Providing Support Is Not Often Warm and Fuzzy.

"When you replace 'I' with 'We' even illness becomes wellness."

~Unknown

Sometimes you just want to walk away from a hairy situation.

I found myself in one this week, and everything within me wanted to shout, "Okay, I've had it...!" It was not the first time this dear one had found themselves facing the dysfunction that is part of his family life, and certainly not the last I fear. I had faced much of it with him and had also been the source of some of the encounters, so this was far from surprising. Here I was again, being asked to not turn over the apple cart, to not get emotional, to just roll with it....

But perhaps like me, you are one of the 'stand your ground' types.

I'm better now, but for much of my life, I don't do well with backing off of a good confrontation. The more complicated, the better. It's as though I think I was born with some God-given right to set the record, and the actions, of others straight. Over the years, however, I've grown to understand that it is sometimes better to just take a deep breath and let 

You see, he and my other loved ones didn't need a Gladiator...

They needed a source of soothing support. Someone who would stand next to them and help them to think it through with healing rationality. It was necessary for me to put away my chain armor, and put on my cotton robe. That did not make me feel in any way more comfortable. In fact, it was downright painful and a little scary. I would be offering my dear one the kind of support he was asking for, and he needs, but I might be opening myself up to some arrows. That takes some healthy decision-making.

Providing support requires we be willing to endure some pains. 

Endure a few bruised egos and take a few sucker punches.

All in the name of getting someone else through a leg of their journey.

And you will grow a little wiser and stronger.

Cheers.

A Detour Can Be a Good Thing.

"Some may try to detour you, but never let them derail you." 

~Me, 2017

Have you ever had one of those feet fly out from underneath you moments?

The phone rings, and the voice on the other end states, "I have something to talk to you about." Or maybe, "Things just are not working out." Or, "We have decided we need to go a different direction." It's one thing if there is a forecast of a storm coming your way, but wholly another when it flies out of a clear sky that appears to be devoid of any turbulence. You might just gasp, or gulp - my favorite thing is to utter, "What?" as though I definitely heard them wrong. Some of us think we can change the ongoing course of a storm if we just challenge it hard enough. But most of the time, there is no mistaking it. There's a detour ahead, and it will not be your choice. It's being forced upon you.

I'd like to tell you that you should smile and face the wind, but it's not that easy.

Foisted detours are fraught with emotion, and often you find yourself unable to show those emotions as you would like adequately. You don't want to be 'that person' who lost it and melted down at hearing the hard redirect. So you gather yourself together like a load of dirty sheets and disconnect, moving forward even if in a haze. 

But as the dust is still settling, it occurs to you that you are not finished.

While whomever you interacted with sighs with relief to have that over with, you are left to survey the both the damage and the road ahead, This is the classic moment in time that may define you for a long while. Realizing you have both choice and power, both elements that you felt slip from you in the detour bestowed upon you. There is a road ahead, and while it may be a different one than you envisioned, it is still YOUR road.

So now is not the time to look backward. 

Eyes forward.

Set an intention on your destination.

You're not at the end, just a new kind of beginning.

Cheers.

While you're doing all that good stuff: Don't Forget You.

"You gotta nourish to flourish."

~unknown

We've all found ourselves caught up in taking care of others.

I'm one of those who believes that most people are innately good and want to help others. Yes, sometimes the motivation goes askew, or the desire to control through 'helping' can rear its head - but mostly, people want to come to the aid of those in need. Take the recent Hurricanes and flooding for instance. We chip in and help. 

Perhaps the problem arises because we 'expect' to find peace and happiness from doing this.

People wait to feel this cloud 9 elation as they pack up that truck with food or hit enter on the computer to give that cash. But the reality is that the good feeling is on the receiving end. You are emptying something - either your energies or your pockets.

When we can wrap our brain around this truth, we start becoming more aware of ourselves.

An awareness that is not a bad self-absorption, but more of insight into what we need to stay energetic. We remain conscious of our capacities and strength. We provide a place of insightful observation that takes our abilities into consideration. We are left feeling satisfied and peaceful, not spent.

This takes a conscious act of self-connection.

How about it? When was the last time you sat and let yourself breathe and connected with you? 

With all your compassion, can you find some self-compassion?

An intention is behind everything we do. Be self-intent and watch your power to impact grow. 

Cheers.

The Wisdom of Choice - While you still have some.

"Before, there were so many things that occupied my mind. When I learned how much time I had left, however, it became clear which things are really important."

~Unknown 24-year-old victim of Cancer

What is it that will steal your time or your emotion today without justly deserving it?

Maybe the coffee pot won't start as planned. Or perhaps your neighbor's dog will tear into your garbage can. Or maybe there's that person in the office that just will not stop talking when you really need to get to work. We all awake with a set amount of time ahead of us that we plan to be awake, and during that time, much of it is filled with choices set before us like an unopened gathering of presents.

And we make the assumption that we will have choices for the full brevity of the time allotted.

It's interesting, that even those of us closely touched by unexpected death still find ourselves living in lives that are filled with empty and unfulfilling moments. As I read the thoughts of the young man above, I was filled with a conviction that his message needed to be read every day. Not just on days I'm feeling discouraged or down, but on days when I'm feeling on top of the world too. Because in every day we meet choices, and those choices will not just determine our shortcomings, but also how we exist in the brief years we occupy this Earth.

So here are his four most important messages for those of us with time to spare*:

1. Don’t waste your time on work that you don’t enjoy. It is obvious that you cannot succeed in something that you don’t like. 
2. It’s stupid to be afraid of others’ opinions....Listen to your inner voice and go with it. 
3. Take control of your life. Take full responsibility for the things that happen to you. Let your life be shaped by decisions you made, not by the ones you didn’t.
4. Appreciate the people around you. Your friends and relatives will always be an infinite source of strength and love.

*For more, click here

My Wednesday Wisdom for you is to consider your choices - while you still have some.

Don't just click off this post and go back to normal.

Be brave enough to make a choice that is long past due.

Cheers.

Lessons Do Not Have To Hurt - Let Them Be Your Sculptor

“I’m grateful for past betrayals, heartaches, and challenges… I thought they were breaking me, 

but they were sculpting me.” 

~Steve Maraboli

It was 3 years ago today. I saw 'that' picture that made me wince.

It was a picture taken by a lovely friend of my daughters at her Baby Shower. It was me, standing happily on the back steps of our patio. I had a giant smile and happy face. That did not make me wince. It was the body placed beneath my neck. A body that was busting out of the cotton fitted Sun Dress. There was no room for imagination, and this although I knew I was sweating profusely from the shaper I was wearing underneath. 

I had allowed my lifestyle to get out of control, and my body was demonstrating just how much.

Somehow, although I knew I was a large person, I had been able to completely diminish the state of my body. I want to be clear here, it was not just that I was kind of fat, like obese. It was more than just my size. I was in pain as well. My joints hurt, my stomach was bothering me, and I had skin conditions developing around the flaps of my body. Little did I know at the time that I would find myself on a journey of self-improvement, borne out of physical necessity. As a result, I would make drastic changes to my life.

I would eventually learn to stop using my size and pain as an excuse not to exercise. I discovered what it meant to make a decision - to decide, really decide.

I would also find out that I am my own worst enemy, what with the constant barrage of negative thoughts that consumed every waking moment as I sought answers from what I had known from my past experiences and those who had succeeded in getting better. Through it all, I would discover the power of meditation and yoga to help me deal with life’s stresses (people or situations).

Three years later, this chronic pain and pressure are but a distant memory. From time to time it returns as nothing more than a mild muscle soreness or tension, usually when I push myself too hard. Through the years, I've attempted to encapsulate all the lessons I have learned through my journey to better health. 

The list is getting smaller, and I realize they have become my Sculptor. They are reshaping me all the time.

These are the lessons from my experience I wish to share with you today. I believe they can be associated with other burdens you might be carrying today:

The Sculpting lessons at a Glance

1. You are what you think. So, choose carefully!
2. Question your beliefs.
3. Sometimes things have to get worse before they get better.
4. Stop finding excuses for why you can’t. This is called blaming. Instead, find reasons why you can. This is called taking the initiative.
5. Be thankful for both the good and the bad in your life for both are gifts.
6. Meditate
7. Really decide.

I used to wonder if, given a chance to be spared those three years of pain, infirmity, and uncertainty, would I take it?

My answer is no.

It’s made me the person I am today. I would have missed all those valuable lessons and tremendous opportunities for self-growth. More importantly, I would have missed sharing those lessons here today.

Cheers.

Do You Have Your Arrows Ready?

"Life can be like shooting an arrow. Sometimes you have to pull back 

hard so you can launch it forward." 

~Me

I've started to have a new appreciation for preparation lately.

I have a tendency to run head long into a project or passion. I get so excited about the vision that I believe the details of getting it accomplished will just fall into place. This philosophy still can actually work for many missions we set out on in life. Our intentions can be altered and fluid as we get to where we are going, and eventually, it all works out. But today, I was considered the more pointed and sharp targets we set for ourselves, and perhaps others. These can only be achieved via calculated actions, and they take a lot more spirited strength than the random goal.

You might say they are like an arrow shot from a bow toward a target.

Sometimes life provides us with an opportunity to aim a little higher or farther than we had originally thought we might. In these times, we have to take some time to consider our target how we might hit it. If we go right out and pick up that bow with Herculean enthusiasm and shoot, not only could we completely miss, but also fall flatly well before the target. All that effort wasted. What a shame. Or worse, we could find ourselves piercing an innocent bystander (Sorry about that arrow in the leg...).

No, like it or not, even a repeated pull and put down, pull and put down might be better. At least until we sense we see the target and have measured all the obstacles.

So let's be sure we have our arrows ready and the strength to pull back really hard.

And then maybe wait. 

Narrow your focus.

Take steady aim before you let it fly.

Cheers.

It Might Be Time To Stop Working It Out : Work Things In.

"The risk of a wrong decision is preferable to the terror of indecision."

~Maimonides

It was 11 years ago today. My husband Chris smoked his last piece of a cigarette.

At least one that he actually wanted to smoke. Since that day, he has attempted to smoke a cigarette to see what it was like, and he nearly made himself sick. Chris has smoked since his early 20's, so smoking was a significant part of his daily life for over 20 years. It was what he did first thing in the morning, before he went to bed, during breaks at work, at a bar, at a game - it was more than a habit - it was a necessity. He had tried to work out in his head what life could be like without it, and he only saw a big gaping hole. Emptiness would exist where this action did. So much space to fill. 

We spend an awful lot of time trying to 'work things out' that are bothering us, don't we?

It might be a relationship or a career choice that we just think we have to stick to and make work. Or, like Chris, a thing that exists in our life that we know we would be better off without, but we can't work out if those reasons are better than dealing with their absence. In both cases, we might be focusing on the wrong goals, that is 'working something out.' What if, instead, we found reasonings or activities to 'work into' our lives? Choices we can make that will support the decision to work something out of our lives, once and for all?

Chris decided to stop being a participant and instead be the leader of his life.

He decided that he would not be told where he had to sit or not sit in a bar or restaurant. He decided he would stay in the hotel room he liked, not the one that was offered. He decided he would take breaks at work to rest his mind and body, and have real conversations with others, not just because his body was craving nicotine. He decided his air would be of his choosing, not of some source filtered through fire. He decided to take control and to start working all of these decisions 'in' to his life.

So what have you been trying to work out that can be handled by working a few things in?

Instead of focusing on what you need to stop doing, try thinking of what you can start doing. Rather than stressing over the emptiness, consider all the things you can now fill it with. 

Stop seeing the mountain, start seeing the peak.

Stop holding a door open, instead open a new door.

Don't be afraid, be brave, you got this.

Cheers.