Family Ties that Bind and Grind - Who holds the tools of repair?

"Strong women. May we know them, may we be them,

May we raise them."

~Unknown

There comes a time in everyone’s life when you break away from your family. Right? 

We are all familiar with this. It used to happen around the time we leave the house after High School. Now, it's often a little later. It's an average expectation of society on the whole. But as I consider what I see about 'family ties' in the lives of those around me, I find sometimes this event doesn't do what one might expect. Even 40 or more years after leaving, there are those of us so bound to our families that we sometimes feel paralyzed, afraid of making the “wrong” decisions for our career, relationships, and overall lives. Constantly concerned and bound by what they might think of our lives.  Every potential interaction grinds on our spirit, molding us into something we never wanted to be.

There is another way. And I know because I’ve been living through it over the past few years.

It begins by realizing how much you value true family.  I'm talking about your immediate genetic and unified family. There’s no getting around that. I love my family. Period. Even when they break my heart or desert me, I still have a genuine care for them. But, I also love myself, which means that I seek to live a life that supports my dreams and beliefs. I came to realize that some binds had to be cut, and the grinding of my spirit had to stop.

And guess who held the tools of repair? That's right, me.

So I did some cutting. The peace and growth I've added to my life has been incredible.

At the same time, I demanded and knew in my heart that true love, especially love between family members who remained supportive of my choices, ought to stand up to tests like this. I decided to change my expectation from one of anticipating anger and disagreement to one of believing we could come to reason. And I've been on both sides of this rope.

It's never easy.  There were several moments when I had to share my desires and beliefs while lovingly holding space for my family to simply be.  It's like standing in the fire. It's a conscious decision to let passions ignite if need be so we can get down to the nitty-gritty. No binding or grinding - but melding instead.

And everyone gets to express their hearts desires without the expectation of losing family love.

The family often has no clue of the ties and chains they’ve placed on you; therefore, it’s important to come from a loving place when standing your ground and claiming your life. As much as you want to believe they are doing it with intention, they don’t know what they’re doing.

So why punish them?

Find your place of comfortable ties, and chose to love them regardless,  no matter what.

And live your life peacefully and free.

Cheers.

Family Ties: Binders, Grinders, and Finders

All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.

~Leo Tolstoy

The word 'family' draws many different meanings and emotions.

You certainly didn’t ask for them, and you can’t trade them, but out of the billions of human beings on our planet, they’re the ones who believe they know you best. Stronger emotions are linking you than in many other relationships in your life - whether they’re your biological family or otherwise.

Even though easy to forget or ignore at times, a family is the most important thing in the world. This could mean your mother, your father, your siblings, your spouse, your grandparents, your aunts, your uncles, your cousins, your in-laws – but for some, they are simply those with whom we share unconditional love.

They come in many different shapes and sizes, and the ties to them have unique functions.

Of course, families are complicated – these deep relationships can carry lots of baggage and hurt as well. Given their complexity and importance in our loves, its no wonder that throughout the course of history, people from all walks of life have pondered the complexities and conundrums of familial love. This week, I decided to add my name to the long list.

I have been given some great examples recently of the different functions of the family tie. Not all of them started out as lovely, but their origins can be modified, loosened or tightened, as they progress.

And that's because individual humans are involved, and they all react differently to being 'tied' to another person.

I've grouped them into 'binders', 'grinders' and 'finders'. Each type requires a certain reaction at times. It might be a need for heightened responsibility, or perhaps it is time to cut and walk away. And still again, it might be a gift that you find is more significant than anything else you have in your life. They are a relationship that you come to realize you simply cannot live without.

Regardless, they are all very real, even if they can't be seen by the naked eye.

And the more you tug at them, the greater the risk for injury.

Cheers.

Decisions: Look for the powerful ones.

"You've got to go out on a limb sometimes because 

that's where the fruit is."

~Will Rogers

We make hundreds of decisions every day, and most are no-brainers with small stakes results. 

Whether we choose A or B is a matter of evaluating risks and weighing benefits. It’s more about preferences, and less about impact.

Not so with important decisions. These are the ones that change the course of your life. These are those that require us to go way beyond reason and logic, straight into our hearts and find answers that are truthful, though not necessarily popular or easy.

Significant decisions never lead you down the conventional path. Instead, they provide you an opportunity to honor and advance your values: these decisions are real-life enactments of what you stand for and who you are.

Each time we make an important decision, we step more fully into our own 

unique, authentic expression.

Think about your last important decision. Did you find anyone resisting your choice? I know I have, and when I do, I go back to the key element or thought that helped me make that decision. This action has always helped me deal with the challenges and obstacles the outside world tossed in my path. Even my inner fears will rear their heads as I continue down my path of choice. We must remember that even with a significant decision, rooted in integrity and anchored by conviction; there’s a battle to be fought.

Be prepared for the fight.

We need well-stocked arsenals to deal with the internal and external resistance that follows an important decision. We can rely on resistance showing up just when we are making forward strides, so it’s in our best interest to fill our arsenals in advance.

What are the most effective weapons? 

Self-awareness. 

Self-confidence. 

Integrity. 

Discernment. (Between inner voices that come from fear, and those that deliver messages from the soul and spirit.)

When you make a bold decision, you will undoubtedly find yourself in the uncomfortable place of not knowing what to do next. Uncertainty is part of the plan. But remember: Uncertainty inspires brilliance. The uncertainty helps you to get clear about what you want and why you want it.

From there, choices and actions appear, steps are taken, journeys are made.

Powerful decisions are not easy, but making them grants us access to what we most long for:

To feel empowered, authentic, and capable of stepping beyond what we believe ourselves to be.

Cheers.

Decisions, decisions.... When you just know.

"Unsuccessful people make decisions based on where they are today. Successful people make decisions based on 

where they want to be tomorrow."

~Unknown

I consider myself to be very independent when it comes to making a decision.

But sometimes, I would like people to just tell me what to do. It's in those times when you sense this is a life changer  and one that you will look back on as pivotal, that you find yourself seeking out the advice of others. Carefully, carefully you discuss the details, the possibilities, and the pro/cons. You are grateful for their insights and opinions but at the end of the day, you know it's going to be up to you. 

Indeed, most of us already know what we want to do.

It's just may not 'feel right' to voice that without thought. You don't want to be accused of not thinking through such a large consideration. This is a life changer - marriage, career path, family etc. Everyone expects you to take your time, right?

There is such a thing as a gut feeling. And it resides in your desire to get to the place you see yourself in the future.

The people around you will base their advice more often than not on the immediacy of your life. They may know you very well, and be very wise, but they cannot see your deepest dreams and goals. They will suggest you decide based on what they see now, but that will only maintain what you have now. So as easy as it feels to be told what to do, it's not going to take you where you really want to go.

Only you can put that internal equation together when making a decision:

Your dreams + your opportunities = Satisfaction.

Cheers.

Are you hurt? Perhaps it's in what you expect.

“Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and 

what you do are in harmony.” 

~Mahatma Gandhi

Ignoring a hurt is even worse than ignoring physical pain. 

They can both put you in a hospital.

It's important to acknowledge a hurt. But sometimes very scary.

You fear that the depths of it might be diminished. Raise your hand if you have ever said this or had this said to you after disclosing a hurt you are dealing with: “You’ve just got to be positive.”

If only it were that easy to turn off that negativity switch in your head permanently, and dial up the one labeled “sunshine and rainbows” to 24/7.  By the way, my joyous perspective does not mean being eternally 'happy.' Joy can often include a somber viewpoint. For someone who’s dealing with a deep hurt -  like depression, heartbreak, or even major self-doubt, and isn’t ready to put on the rose-tinted glasses just yet, pretending to be positive and smiling isn’t going to work. In fact, it's unhealthy.

A very real hurt will not be healed with a simple change of attitude.

Sometimes, life does feel like crap. It’s okay to feel that way. Having a joyous perspective tells me that life doesn’t have to feel happy, positive, and relaxed all the time. I’m not asking you to wallow in self-indulgent pity indefinitely, but to be present with this emotion, giving yourself time to experience and respect it. Forcing yourself to jump on the positivity bandwagon when you feel like crawling into a cave may even create more feelings of confusion and disconnectedness (I’ve been there, done that), and distract you from the things you should be doing to get better.  And this type of healing requires action, not just thought.

But before you take any action - manage your expectations.

Gandhi's words above have a basis in the principle of balance. It is when our unrealistic beliefs, goals or feelings are completely out of alignment with our control that we find some of our deepest hurts. We get hurt because we sometimes fall into the trap that life is like a math problem or a recipe. Especially when we believe that we know exactly what a situation or relationship requires.

But people are not integers or simple ingredients. They change, and they can be unpredictable.

Are you ready to address a very real hurt in our life? To put it aside, for good? Then align your actions:

• Recognize the hurt and where it came from without assigning guilt.

• Realize and accept what holding on to the hurt is blocking you from (unity, another's joy, freedom).

• Let it go, but don't expect anyone else to act in kind. You can only control you and your hurt.

Who knows, you just might be able to read that 'power of positive thinking' poster your friend sent you and chuckle.

Cheers.

Can it ever be good to get hurt?

Happy is the man who has broken the chains which hurt the mind and has given up worrying once and for all. 

~Ovid

Given a choice, I would much rather experience pain than hurt.

I considered this recently after hearing a similar line in a movie I was watching. Pain is a thing for which my tolerance has always be high. I have a constant thought during pain that tells me it will eventually end. There are times I have been tested in this belief, as I am sure you can agree. But sure enough, the pain finally subsided. It doesn't make me any less fearful of experiencing pain, but I am more courageous about running to it because I know it has a half-life.

Ah, but hurt, on the other hand, now that's a thing that can 

potentially outlive us.

When we get hurt, there's a lingering that remains after any pain has subsided. It's a bruising that leaves us with a vulnerable spot. The experience of being hurt leaves us a little more afraid, a bit more confused and more aware of our probability to be hurt again. It's an awakening of sorts, and regardless of our age, it will most likely take us by surprise.

So where is the joyous perspective on hurt? 

Can it ever be a good or useful thing?

This week, I've decided to take a look at "hurt" and how it can be used to bring more joy into our lives. What can we take away from a hurtful experience besides a large bruise and a limp? The quote above reminds us that hurt can be like a chain around your mind. So perhaps the first lesson of hurt is to refuse to allow it to hold you back from trying again. Refuse to allow it to be the fertilizer of the seeds of worry in your soul. Worry can grow into all sorts of fears that grow into all kinds of soul sickness.

And to do that, you have to address the hurt. Acknowledge it. Examine it and determine how to get it healed. 

How you can take care of it alone.

You can do that even before you assign responsibility from where the hurt came. 

You have the power to break those hurtful chains, right now.

Cheers.

Finding Your Center - Under the Clutter.

“Life is as simple or complicated as we make it.” Donna Smallin

The most amazing part of finding your center is the sense of peace and freedom it brings. 

But it's hard to see the center of anything if it's covered by a bunch of stuff. It's like losing your favorite pair of shoes in a overfilled closet. Unless you are actually convinced you need those shoes, sometimes you just have to wear another pair. They are not the same, but you live with them rather than take the time to clean out that space.

The most distracting and debilitating cluttered space is in our heads.

You know the feeling. You're driving on autopilot to work. Forgetting important dates. Leaving the water running or the stove on. Stumbling over words, unable to make a point.

My mental clutter pulls me off center, disrupting my balance. It makes me just want to throw my hands up and flop down.

It's one thing to know you have to clean a closet. But how do you begin to explain away the clutter you can’t see?

If you are finding it hard to feel centered and balanced today, then there's a good likelihood you need to do some decluttering in your mind. This decision requires us to become intentional on where we place our attention and how we spend our time and energy.

Actions speak louder than words my friends. 

Here are a few action-oriented decisions you can make that will be like a vacuum cleaner in your mind:

-Spend five minutes every day to note at least five things you’re grateful for. Some ideas: time with a friend, an award at school, your seatbelt, your breath, the colors in the park, and even the nourishing beauty of a rainy day.

-Allow yourself to zone out. Even if it's only for 5 minutes. Take time to rest your mind every day. Let your mind shut off from having to process, apply, or interpret information. Let the breath come and go naturally, and the eyes roam wherever they want. Watch the clouds, the trees sway, the stars sparkle.

-Do something kind for another person. Make it a point every day to be kind with your actions, your words, and especially your thoughts. If you don’t feel genuinely moved to lend a helping hand or pass along a compliment, just smile instead.

-Replace worry with prayer or meditation. Those fears and negative thoughts are doing nothing to assist you or the situation. In fact, it's depleting our energies and abilities. Regardless of your state of faith, see each concern as being given up to a higher power. That simple action can help you to see yourself as a part of the solution, already in process.

Life’s full of surprises. Life’s unpredictable course is our opportunity to meet surprises with acceptance and grace. 

To find our center in the midst of any challenge.

Having an open mind is good. Just not so open it's cluttered.

Cheers.

Are You Centered? Lessons from the tightrope.

"I see you calm yourself now by focusing on being centered."

I was a little amazed to hear my husband publicly proclaim this in front a group of people we had just met. We were talking about Yoga, and how it's improved my overall health. I chuckled, and I affirmed his comment. Never in my 56 years have I been able to find a way to bring a sense of calm and balance to my innermost being. It didn't start with Yoga, but that practice has certainly helped me to find it.

So I decided this week to share with you all my joyous perspective on how we can become more centered.

While out walking Eddy this morning, I had to tip-toe across a small plank put down over a rather treacherous place in the ditch filled with water. With Eddy pulling me, I quickly focused on my balance and traversed the plank with ease. I didn't slip, but I really did not have time to consider that option either. I just did it.

It's at these tightrope crossings in our lives that we confirm just how balanced we can be.

We can go around them sometimes, but we can't get better at finding our center if we avoid them. Each time we make it to the other side, or stay calm and focused in the middle, we build our confidence and ability to find that centered place. We figure out the muscles and areas in our core that hold the balance together. 

And much like me attempting to 'soar' into Warrior Three, sometimes we wobble or even fall...

It's at these times that it's most important to get right back up, stand erect, and get back to that centered place. Even when the attempted is modified a little, it will still be better than going back to the comfort of the feather bed. There's no center there, just floating. 

And you never know where you'll go when you're floating.

So dig deep and find your center today while on your life's tightropes.

Cheers.