Don't Hold on to Words That Need to Be Said.

"Nothing haunts us like the things we don't say."

~Mitch Albom

The scene was almost more than I could stomach.

I was watching a television series that I had become semi-addicted to. I was doing the 'catch up' thing so I would bulk or clip watch as I could between other more important parts of life. The segment was focused mostly on the death of a main character's mother. Well, she was not much of a mother, other than to give birth to her and her five siblings. The segment depicted how much the character struggled with having any grief or remorse over the woman's untimely death. The Funeral Director, making the reasonable assumption that there was grieving which needed to happen, allowed the character time alone with her dead mother's embalmed body. I don't know what I expected, but I didn't expect what happened next.

There was an incredibly cathartic experience.

It was full of angry words, cursing, and tears. The young woman said A LOT, apparently full of years worth of messages left unsaid. And then, to my shock, she began to physically pound on the dead body. It was pretty raw. My completely caught off guard reaction led to deep gulping followed by sobbing. How sad that someone could hold on to so much emotion and never put it to words until it was too late?

But perhaps it wasn't too late?

It might have been too late for the dead woman to hear, but clearly, it provided a lot to the living daughter. So in that way, it wasn't too late, because it finally got said. I thought of Mitch Albom's quote, and it reminded me that it is haunting to have words within you that need to be said. They gnaw at your brain and stick in your throat. As long as you are living, they will remain, until they are put out there in some form.

And I remembered a good tactic I was taught by an excellent counselor.

I'd heard about it before, but it always sounded so silly to me. How could it ever really help? The exercise was to write a letter, either to the person or about thoughts that are haunting your mind. Don't worry about grammar, spelling or finding the right word - just write it out. A virtual parade of words poured out on paper or screen. I always wondered, why not just say the words out loud or to the person you are addressing? But think about it. When you are talking directly to someone, you can't control what they say or how they act. But when you are alone and writing, it is entirely in your control. Then, you either burn the paper or shred it. The act of destruction is the visual act of truly letting it go.

Without having to pound on anyone's dead or alive body.

And you can experience the freedom of no longer being haunted. 

Think of it as an exorcism of sorts.

One step further: Mail pieces of it to the person intended, with a note that is just signed "I'm Okay."

Cheers.

Time to Leave the Circus...

Don't be upset at people who are clowns.

Just stop being a part of their circus...

I wrote this today after a bit of a restless night.

I went to bed with a conversation I had with a close friend heavy on my heart. It wasn't that what they shared impacted me directly so much or caused me to feel unease about a response. The issue was how they were being impacted, and how much angst they were experiencing as they tried to sort through a solution. I wanted so badly to be able to take their burden from them. But as we talked, I knew more and more that this would be impossible. Acting for them in response to the issue would only put off the inevitable. 

The people she was being pursued by needed to find their own way.

My friend was now advancing in age and responsibility, and so were those who insisted on making sure my friend was acutely aware of their needs. While there had always seemingly been a way to provide help with some controls, it was now well out of control. As my beginning statement says, my friend was a standard part of their circus. But my friend is not a clown, and she doesn't even like clowns. In fact, she's done all she can to not be a clown and done a fantastic job of it. But how do you help a person who is being taunted break the cycle and walk away from the circus?

It's harder to do than it sounds. Because they have a contract on their head called 'guilt by association'.

I don't find it surprising when grown ups continue to expect everyone to take care of them when they put themselves in crisis again... and again. And when they refuse to take responsibility for where they are, that also seems to align with the first behavior.  When you are the kind of grown-up who wants to remain just childlike enough to need parental units your entire life, it becomes a perpetual cycle that is tough to break. These people seek out targets that they appear to keep in tow like reference books in a library. They try to be careful not to overuse any one, not to damage it beyond repair. But eventually, they use up most of the ones that have no emotional ties, and so they are left with those who they are bonded to. Either by blood, or by experiences, or some obligatory memory. And they use this tie, like a noose, pulling at it relentlessly.

Cutting off the noose isn't cutting off the relationship. It's correcting its course.

You can still know the clowns and even stay in touch. But you don't have to be a party to their circus. 

Slip off the noose and tear up your season pass ticket.

They will find another audience... Or take off that silly makeup. 

Cheers.