Can You Be Too Hospitable and Supportive?

“We cripple people who are capable of walking because we choose to carry them.”

 ~Christie Williams

Years ago, I had a dear friend who needed a lot of support for various reasons. 

She was working hard to find her way out of a dark period. She had suffered traumas and tragedies and a lot of things I wouldn’t wish on anyone. Her life really did resemble a roller coaster ride. It was heartbreaking to watch her struggle, exciting when things would be on the upswing, and upsetting again when things would spiral downhill.

I am someone who knows and appreciates how important it is to have supportive people around you, offering love and kindness, especially during times of struggle. The support was mostly phone calls, but often it meant dropping what I was doing and driving to meet her to make sure she was okay. There were talks, tears, and through that, hard truths were often revealed.

It wasn’t all dreary. There were sunny times too. Lot’s of French Fries and Ice Cream eaten.

What I got in return wasn’t the same type of support. This person was not the person I would turn to in a crisis, however minor or major. She just couldn’t handle it. But in turn, this friend showed me gratitude and genuine love.

I never thought much about the dynamics of the relationship until I was talking with a good friend who had a tendency always to be the one who made everyone else feel better. Even at her own expense. As she shared how she was afraid of allowing a potential one-way relationship to take off, a found myself saying, “NO! Stop. You don’t always have to be the one who is supportive.”

Do we have an obligation to do our best to the people we care about? Well, yes, to an extent.

Because the reality is, we can be too supportive, and in turn, keeping a person from discovering an important truth of some kind. The truth that they are a good friend, but not an anchor friend. The truth that they are out of control in their lives and you can’t guide them forever. The truth that they are controlling your life instead of controlling theirs.

Because the thing was this: in being so busy with always checking in on them, you forget to check in with yourself.

It may cause a crack in the relationship. It might lead to a massive fault line disruption.

If we are not respecting our time, feelings, and energy, no one else will either.

Cheers.