It Might Be Time To Stop Working It Out : Work Things In.

"The risk of a wrong decision is preferable to the terror of indecision."

~Maimonides

It was 11 years ago today. My husband Chris smoked his last piece of a cigarette.

At least one that he actually wanted to smoke. Since that day, he has attempted to smoke a cigarette to see what it was like, and he nearly made himself sick. Chris has smoked since his early 20's, so smoking was a significant part of his daily life for over 20 years. It was what he did first thing in the morning, before he went to bed, during breaks at work, at a bar, at a game - it was more than a habit - it was a necessity. He had tried to work out in his head what life could be like without it, and he only saw a big gaping hole. Emptiness would exist where this action did. So much space to fill. 

We spend an awful lot of time trying to 'work things out' that are bothering us, don't we?

It might be a relationship or a career choice that we just think we have to stick to and make work. Or, like Chris, a thing that exists in our life that we know we would be better off without, but we can't work out if those reasons are better than dealing with their absence. In both cases, we might be focusing on the wrong goals, that is 'working something out.' What if, instead, we found reasonings or activities to 'work into' our lives? Choices we can make that will support the decision to work something out of our lives, once and for all?

Chris decided to stop being a participant and instead be the leader of his life.

He decided that he would not be told where he had to sit or not sit in a bar or restaurant. He decided he would stay in the hotel room he liked, not the one that was offered. He decided he would take breaks at work to rest his mind and body, and have real conversations with others, not just because his body was craving nicotine. He decided his air would be of his choosing, not of some source filtered through fire. He decided to take control and to start working all of these decisions 'in' to his life.

So what have you been trying to work out that can be handled by working a few things in?

Instead of focusing on what you need to stop doing, try thinking of what you can start doing. Rather than stressing over the emptiness, consider all the things you can now fill it with. 

Stop seeing the mountain, start seeing the peak.

Stop holding a door open, instead open a new door.

Don't be afraid, be brave, you got this.

Cheers. 

Do You Have a Love Hate Relationship With the Process?

I almost wanted to quit my job last night.

Not really really, but close. I threw my hands in the air in frustration after receiving not one but three emails requesting more detailed information on a project I needed to begin work on.  It would be one thing if this were something new that I was learning and therefore might make a few mistakes on. Although as a 'seasoned' member of the workforce, I don't give myself much slack there either. No, it was something I had done numerous times before, and once again I sent off my processed request in a willy nilly fashion, expecting the results to be different this time. Hmmm.... Isn't that the definition of insanity?

I have always struggled with the details of the process.

It's not that I don't appreciate the process or the components of it. I just don't want to be the one who has to see they are done. I have come to understand that I am one of those people who gets a vision in their head and just wants to gather it all up into a ball and throw it to success. I'm a make it happen gal, but more the starter or the anchor, not the second or third leg. And last night, as I gritted my teeth and attempted to comply with the details in a weary state of mind, I realized something of importance:

When you get angry with the process, you lose sight of the goal.

In those hours of angst, I had forgotten what the process was all about. I had looked away from the reasons why I do what I do and who it is for ultimately. Not just to make my life simpler or the company I work for happier. But to serve a population of people who need our support to live fuller and complete lives. There are many components in the process of bringing that vision into perspective, and each one is important. 

So many other visions in our lives require process details, don't they?

We can attempt to bulldoze through them, but then there might be a gaping hole in the road to your goal.  We can expect the details to be done by someone else, but then they will be altered and no longer yours. 

We should keep a firm ownership on our visions.

Be the keeper of our dreams.

Trust the process.

Cheers.

It's Time. Get Up.

"If all you can do is crawl - start crawling."

~Rumi

Some might think these words apply to starting something, but I think of restarting.

After all, when you first make a decision to begin some giant course of action, you are filled with adrenaline and expectation. Your stomach might be a little nervous, but it's an excited nervousness that fuels your determination. You've plotted a design for exactly how you will make it to your goal - this time. More than likely, you have been here before, but never quite made it, turning around or taking a seat and chalking it up to another attempt. 

These words are for that moment ahead of you when you land flat and can't fathom getting up.

You know those moments. Maybe you are right there today. Things were going fine, but somehow you allowed life to derail you or you tripped. Once again, you have failed. Damn that hurt didn't it? Perhaps you laugh it off. Maybe you get depressed. Most of the time we only do not acknowledge, we just excuse so we can keep some sense of esteem. Rumi's words are for that moment when you get very honest with yourself, and you consider that laying flat in this place just will not do. It is not how you want to finish. You can still see the finish out there ahead. So how will you get there? 

Start with a deep breath and a little glance backward.

I generally don't encourage looking back. It can lead to becoming stuck in what has passed and out of your control. However, when considering beginning your crawl to getting up, you might want to understand what caused the trip down in the first place. Think back to those moments just before you flopped downward. Logically, it was a stressor or a celebratory quirk that distracted you. But more often, it could have been sheer boredom or impatience. 

Or maybe, you're one of those who thinks you don't deserve to be happy?

Or you don't have what it takes actually to achieve that dream?

Or you are more regular that extraordinary?

Take a chance. Dig into the ground with those knuckles. Get up.

Cheers. 

I Am Not What Happened To Me.

Sometimes the past should be abandoned, yes. Life is a journey, and you can’t carry everything with you. Only the usable baggage.” 

~Ha Jin

You’ve probably heard of the fear of missing out but what about the fear of letting go?

Like most everyone you know, I've got some pretty nasty and painful history. Every now and then, some of the residual effects come to my surface, and I have to deal with them directly.  They cause me to act defensively, and usually toward those who I love and who know me the best. As I have struggled with my desire to cling to bad memories and self-defeating behaviors, it has dawned on me that I sometimes I am afraid to let go because defensiveness is a part of my identity.

The problem wasn’t that I had baggage. Everyone has baggage. It becomes a problem when it starts to define you.

But I am not what happened to me. Still, I didn’t know who I would be without some of my past pains. At that point, it hit me: I had to dig deep, discover the person I wanted to be, and then act on it. I had to choose who I wanted to become.

We might be holding on to the past because it seems too important to jettison.

What are some things from your past that weigh you down? Can you take time this week to write them out? Grab a notebook or an iPad and just let the words flow. Don't judge yourself or overthink it. The ones that come harder are most likely the ones you are worried about having to let go of.

There are infinite possibilities for each of us, baggage notwithstanding. 

Everyone has pain. It’s part of what makes us who we are. What defines us, however, is how we handle it.

We all wear the things we’ve survived with some victory, but the real victory is in the choice to transcend them. 

Cheers.

Can You Be Too Hospitable and Supportive?

“We cripple people who are capable of walking because we choose to carry them.”

 ~Christie Williams

Years ago, I had a dear friend who needed a lot of support for various reasons. 

She was working hard to find her way out of a dark period. She had suffered traumas and tragedies and a lot of things I wouldn’t wish on anyone. Her life really did resemble a roller coaster ride. It was heartbreaking to watch her struggle, exciting when things would be on the upswing, and upsetting again when things would spiral downhill.

I am someone who knows and appreciates how important it is to have supportive people around you, offering love and kindness, especially during times of struggle. The support was mostly phone calls, but often it meant dropping what I was doing and driving to meet her to make sure she was okay. There were talks, tears, and through that, hard truths were often revealed.

It wasn’t all dreary. There were sunny times too. Lot’s of French Fries and Ice Cream eaten.

What I got in return wasn’t the same type of support. This person was not the person I would turn to in a crisis, however minor or major. She just couldn’t handle it. But in turn, this friend showed me gratitude and genuine love.

I never thought much about the dynamics of the relationship until I was talking with a good friend who had a tendency always to be the one who made everyone else feel better. Even at her own expense. As she shared how she was afraid of allowing a potential one-way relationship to take off, a found myself saying, “NO! Stop. You don’t always have to be the one who is supportive.”

Do we have an obligation to do our best to the people we care about? Well, yes, to an extent.

Because the reality is, we can be too supportive, and in turn, keeping a person from discovering an important truth of some kind. The truth that they are a good friend, but not an anchor friend. The truth that they are out of control in their lives and you can’t guide them forever. The truth that they are controlling your life instead of controlling theirs.

Because the thing was this: in being so busy with always checking in on them, you forget to check in with yourself.

It may cause a crack in the relationship. It might lead to a massive fault line disruption.

If we are not respecting our time, feelings, and energy, no one else will either.

Cheers.

Open Wound or Ugly Scar: The Choice is Yours.

"The real healing begins when you decide to chose an ugly scar over an open wound."

#joyous perspective

I'm what most people would call 'accident prone'.

I have a tendency to have some cut or bruise on my body at any given moment in time. When I was a kid, I was the one who always had a skinned knee or elbow. I remember my mom threatening to buy me knee and elbow pads to wear to school. Funny, I got so accustomed to having these wounds that they became a focal point for me and turned into a nasty habit. I would sit in class or front of the television and pick at my scabbing wound. Eventually, you guessed it, it would begin to bleed out again, and I'd need a new bandaid. I was finally broken of the habit when I started noticing boys. I didn't want them to see this nasty evidence of my clumsiness.

But unfortunately, the nasty wounds would become an ugly scar sometimes.

My body still carried on it scars from severe falls or accidents from under the age of 10. I don't think they'll ever go away. And you know what? I'm okay with that because each one tells a story. A story that ends in a wound, sometimes even antibiotics, but it's closed up now and just a scar.

We've also got wounds that form unseen in our emotional and mental space, don't we?

Some of them were wielded upon us by people or life events we could not avoid. Others were completely self-induced and perpetuated. Once they are there, we can ignore them, even pick at them once scab forms and induce bleeding all over again. They can become infected, and the once non-physical wound can impact more than our psyche. It will spread to our body and make us ill. Just like teenager Joy, we will have to make the decision that this gaping wound is less desirable than even the ugliest scar. But no one can make us stop picking at it, especially if it obsesses us.

Only we can decide to choose to heal.

That living with a scar is better than any open wound.

Maybe it's time?

Cheers.

Perspective. Yes, it's that big of a deal.

"A Rose has thorns, or thorns have roses. You decide."

~#Joyousperspective

"I had to take you off my Social Media because you were just too optimistic."

I heard this from a really dear friend recently. I totally get their meaning. I often write something in a daily thought or blog and think, "Damn, that's syrupy." I'm sure people read some of what I write and roll their eyes. "Happy, happy joy joy..." Blech.  It's like I replied to my friend, "Yeah, most of the time I wake up feeling pretty good. But usually, about mid-day, I get really crabby. That's when I go back and read what I wrote in the morning. It helps me with my perspective.

If there's one thing that colors our lives and our responses, it's got to be perspective.

Perspective isn't just what you see, it's HOW you chose to see it. Yes, how you chose, not how it is. It is not just seeing the colors of the rainbow, but actually recognizing that you have to have a storm to get a rainbow. And just in case you find yourself wondering, the only reason I can write about 'joy' or a 'joyous perspective' is that I know what it means not to have it. I understand getting up filled with dread about the day ahead. I know what it is like to see the ugliness of the world and wonder how I will encourage those around me to never give up.

Yes,  it is one of the reasons I keep writing, even when I want to quit.

Because even if not one other person reads what I wrote, I will read it. I will have to reach in deep and convince myself that it is not just a bunch of malarky. I remind myself to open my eyes. And my mind. And my heart. 

And actually, see. 

And have a little faith.

Cheers.