Do you have a "Growth Mindset"?

“There are no failures. Just experiences and your reactions to them.” ~Tom Krause

One thing any even the most novice Gardener knows is that you can't grow on rocky soil.

In practical terms, heat, dryness, and disruption make the ground hard and bring rocks to the surface. It makes for a place where no long term growing can take place. The only way to correct it is to water, till and remove the rocks until you heal the soil back to a life-giving source. It's much the same with propagating growth in ourselves as human beings. 

It might be self-induced or happenstance, but you may find yourself in a place where you are rocky and dry.

It's easy during these times to be stale, whiney and a little hopeless about bringing in new growth to your life. I've been there. When I went searching, I found a woman named Dr. Carol Dweck who penned a term called "The Growth Mindset." (more )It involves changing the way we perceive ourselves can dramatically improve our feelings and results. In particular, two beliefs can make a difference: Can we enhance our abilities, or is this as good as we get? Does everyone want to grow? Do you?

Many of us secretly walk around with a “fixed mindset,” believing that our natural abilities are all we have, and it won’t get much better than this.

Dr. Dweck suggests that much like refusing to attempt to plant on rocks and dry earth, we much look our fixed mindset in the eye and speak to it. Beyond positive self-talk, it deals directly with the area you are feeling is your largest 'rock' - or failure. Here are her best suggestions:

1. Learn to hear your fixed mindset “voice.”

It's that little 'you can't do it' or 'Damn, it's happening again' or 'try again tomorrow' voice. 

2. Recognize that you have a choice. 

How you interpret challenges, setbacks, and criticism is your choice. They can be yet another failure or reason to stretch and take another approach. It's up to you.

3. Talk back to it with a growth mindset voice.

As you take on a  challenge, are you determined to avoid failure at all costs or are you willing to embrace the opportunity to learn and grow?

4. Take the growth mindset action. 

Over time, which voice you hear becomes your choice. Whether you assume the challenge wholeheartedly, learn from your setbacks, and try again is now in your hands.

It's Humpday. What is in your mindset regarding your growth? 

A wise man once said, "Fail. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.”

Cheers.

One Minute of Joy On Growing: Prepare the ground...

"Motivational quotes are like seeds. They will only 

take root in fertile soil."

~Lisa Layden

The average human grows physically until they are around 18 years old.

After that, we add or subtract muscles and fat, but we are about as tall as we are ever going to be. Physically, we are set. Ah, but the organ between our ears can still make many changes. Our minds have the incredible capacity to continue to grow and expand up and until the day, we stop breathing. And as I considered this, I realized how the only thing stopping our growth is the desire to grow. 

To make a place, a garden in our mind, where we allow seeds to take root.

I thought of this as I was surveying my actual garden spot in the backyard yesterday. I had all of the elements needed to get the ball rolling for a great season of growing stuff. The sun was out, I had put down compost, it had rained just enough to make the ground moist, and I was feeling very energetic. But much like my fifty-something-year-old mind, the soil needed some more work before I threw down the seeds and plants. There were weeds for one thing. Even those kind of cute ones with blossoms could not stay if I were going to get a good crop of nutritious veggies this year. They didn't come out easy, but I pulled and took a hoe to each one until the garden spot was free of them.

I think sometimes we forget about the weeds in our minds that need to be pulled - roots and all.

They might be distractions, or silly stresses, or perhaps severe addictions. But regardless of how pretty they might appear, they will steal the will and energy you need to get growing. If it's time to add some new seeds, you need to start by weeding. 

You might develop a few blisters. You'll probably sweat a little. But it will be worth it in the end.

And then, there's the Tiller....

Cheers.

One Minute of Joy on How to Remain Calm and Keep Remaining Calm

"If the ocean can calm itself, so can you.

We are both salt and water 

mixed with air."

~Nayyirah Waheed

There are times in our lives when we can feel like we are shaking from the outside in.

I know that I go through moments when a sense of calm is elusive as a rainbow after a shower. I considered this week that I have had a lot of practice in finding ways to calm myself and remain calm. I guess I am one of those people that feel my ability to demonstrate calm will somehow help all the humans around me. Maybe it's because I'm tall? I don't know. 

So here are some things I've found useful.

I came up with a list of stuff that seem to help me, in the worst and most soul shaking times. I try one or two, and let me know if you have some to add to my list:

Meditate
Simple meditation lowers blood pressure, boosts the immune system, and improves ability to concentrate. The best part is that you don’t have to dedicate a lot of time to meditation. You can get the benefits in just a few minutes a day.

Breathe Deeply
There are moments where your frustration, anger, or anxiety will spike to overwhelming levels. When you feel those physical signs, breathing deeply is your best friend. It forces you to pause and calm down so you can better deal with whatever is happening.

Reach Out
Leaning on the people in your support system is an effective way to reduce stress. We all need to vent, to hear a friendly voice, or to be distracted from our worries by someone else’s story.

Exercise
Getting up and moving is a great way to burn off stress and improves overall health. Even a 5-minute slow walk will do wonders.

Laugh
It is the best medicine. Here's a good video that I often watch when I need a chuckle: Dog and bacon

Listen to music
Music has an amazing effect on the human body. Music boosts mood and lowers blood pressure, reduces anxiety, and more.

Be grateful
I know I sound especially corny, but being grateful does reduce stress. Studies show that practicing gratitude can make you happier, lower stress, protect you from depression, improve sleep, and boost your immune system.

Accept your limits on control
No matter how hard you try, you can’t control a great percentage of what faces you.  If negative things happen despite all your efforts, remind yourself that it’s not because you didn’t try hard enough.

Stay positive, no matter what
I heard someone snidely refer to me once as "Happy happy Joy joy." At the time, it sort of hurt, but then I realized that hearing positive, supportive statements in your head is a lot more pleasant and calming than a steady stream of negativity.

Stay off social media
When you are feeling stressed and overwhelmed, it's tempting to turn to mindless chatter. But these sites are not like Calgon. They will not 'take you away'. Often, they feed into your anxiety. So unless it's an excellent blog (smile) avoid your news feed and follows. Instead, read a good book, garden, go for a drive, play with the animals at a shelter - do something fun!

Become calm.

Remain calm.

Cheers.

One Minute of Joy on Calm: It's not always peaceful.

"You can't calm the storm. So stop trying. What you can do is calm yourself.

The storm will pass."

~Timber Hawkey

Have you ever gazed out upon a ripple-less body of water and wondered at all the activity going on just below the surface?

It's amazing isn't it, when you consider how peaceful it is on the top. The shimmering plane of liquid holds your attention, and you can almost forget what is teeming beneath the surface. If I imagine the lake to be alive as a part of nature, my appreciation for its strength in holding it all together would be immense. 

I've felt like that lake a lot - full of internal activity. I've even been in the midst of many human created storms.

When we are in those moments of mayhem, we often think that finding peace is the answer. Or finding a way to create it. But like the unhinged atmosphere beneath the lake, the real answer it to find a way to calm. Demonstrate a surface of unmovable confidence. 

Confidence is not peaceful. It often has to be wrestled. 

Calmly take hold of it. 

As my former Mother-in-law used to tell me, "This too will pass."

Cheers.

Controlling the World by Defining How it Sees You....

"In the social jungle of human existence, there is no feeling of 

being alive without a sense of identity."

~Erik Erikson

I remember a time in history when everyone's true nature eventually caught up with them...

Even if it was only your friends or neighbors who got a glimpse of it. We lived in an age when you couldn't exist in your house behind a screen forever. Even the hermit had to get a grocery delivery and interact with a human. We went to school, to work and social events at least once a day. Our interactions defined us, and people formed a set of opinions about who we were from those. They didn't have a 'list' of our friends, but they knew who they were when they saw us together. Our class picture was completely unedited, and rather harsh at times, but it was the true us. Sometimes, their views attempted to tell us who we were. Some people gave in, others of us fought back.

But it was hard to control how you were perceived by others.

It was essential to demonstrate real effort and expose a real plan or goal. It wasn't enough to say you would do something - people expected results. As I thought about the different aspects of this week's focus on control, I found an interesting perspective in seeing how much easier it is to hide behind virtual reality from the world - and ultimately define your personality and character via HTML. Even those closest to you are often left in the dark.

Ah but there's a cost. As Erikson says above, you can't feel life without a real sense of identity.

You need those outside of your ability to control the view in your life. Especially when we are in the midst of a crisis or stressful time. Not only will they keep you grounded and honest, but they are essential to helping you find your way back to who you are. Times of hardship, loss and pain change us in broad ways, but the essence of our identity remains the same. 

Keep your circle of knowledge tight if you must, but don't control what they see. They are the ones that need to see outside of the edited sharing and selfies.

They most likely suspect it already.

Feeling 'life' is about being flat on your face at times and feeling the wind in your hair at others.

In all of these moments, we need our sense of identity to bring us back into a healthy place of control. 

With a little help from our social jungle.

Cheers.

One Minute of Joy on Control: Can you stay in your corner?

“Selfishness is not living your life as you wish to live it. Selfishness is wanting others to live their lives as you wish them to.” 

~Oscar Wilde

I'm the first to admit that I am a class A control freak

In my defense, it's a infused in my genetic code on both sides of my family. I watched many of my relatives over engage in trying to get everyone to do what they felt was best for them. It was cited as being out of love, but more often than not it was out of panic. They feared what might happen if the person chose a different path than the one envisioned as the “right” one.

When controlling humans don't get their way, they usually get angry. Or they sulk and wait for the opportunity to remind you that 'I told you so...' I've watched whole segments of my family cut each other off in relationships do only to one member not following the wishes of another. Yeah, that was my learning table.

And through much of my life, I wrestled with control over the lives and situations presented to me with the force of Hulk.

I believed that my passion and experience would certainly benefit anyone and anything. It wasn't that I always got my way or people listened, but I would firmly insert myself so as to assure I would be there if something bad occurred. I would be 'Joy on the Spot' and fix it all.

But then, my oldest son was killed, and I could not control it or fix it.

Suddenly, my ability and strength to control went out the window. And while I did grasp at some straws trying to find ways to assure that I would never go through that kind of pain again, I knew inside it was futile. Over the years, I began to realize more and more that I would be better off to stay in my corner and get my life back together. I saw that even when others reached out to me and needed me, relinquishing control allowed me to help them in even greater ways.

I had a clearer view of their needs because I wasn't entwined in their decisions.

I didn’t realize how draining it was for me to take on everyone else’s “stuff.” When I started to let go of what other people were doing to fix their problems, I found I had way more energy to focus on me. Releasing control of what the people in my life decided to do enabled me to be a better listener since I was spending less time thinking of ways to “fix” their problem.

I was now free to learn from them rather than push on them my opinions and control.

I always thought I had all the answers. Clearly not since my life has been in shambles many times over. There is so much we can learn from others when we observe the way they do things. The next time we find ourselves in a similar situation, we may find that their way was the better way. You can even encourage them by giving them the credit for the answer.

By staying in your corner, you can be free to cheer and praise rather than direct and stress. 

I'm still a class A controller, but I'm focused on myself and my path. It's freeing, and I have a lot more energy to invest in my life. 

So here's to a week of finding your corner.

Cheers. 

Gather knowledge, but don't forget to practice wisdom.

"Knowledge is learning something every day. 

Wisdom is letting go of something every day." 

~Zen Proverb

When we've been through some giant experiences in life, and we are older, it's easy to feel like we have something to share.

Perhaps it's attainment of an advanced degree, a lofty position in our career, or survival of one of life's gut punches - but we often come out on the other side feeling like we have something to share with the world. And in the beginning, we do try, and even energetically put forth our knowledge. But if you've ever sat in the classroom of a Student Teacher or freshly graduated rehabilitation counselor, you'll know what I mean when I say something is still missing.

There's a little uncertainty there, and it leaves one wondering if they truly 'believe' what they are saying.

When you have the desire to learn something, and you care about it, you can throw yourself headlong into the study of it, and you'll have many of the 'answers.' I don't think I realized how empty this kind of knowledge could be until I went through a major life event and went searching for a way to live through it. I wanted a cure or, at least, a path that I could reasonably follow out of the darkness. I wanted answers, and I assumed the answers would bring me wisdom.

I thought wisdom meant knowing all the answers all the time.

I believed I was pretty self-aware, and by taking in every book and teaching I could get my hands on, I would certainly be an expert. I soon found myself sitting in groups with others who were experiencing this same process, and I would wax poetic. But more often than not, I sensed the people I was talking at didn't want to hear all that I had learned. They just needed someone to listen.

What I’ve since realized is that wisdom does not mean “knowing” all of the answers.

Realizing those facts took wisdom that came from time and experience. Because all that you have learned and feels true for you is not what seems true for others around you, and that’s okay. The greatest books of spiritual and intellectual knowledge will often be experienced differently by other individuals. If we don't remember this, we will fall into the trap of using our knowledge as a way to make others feel less 'wise' than we are. We show tiny tolerance for those who have a different belief system, and we use harsh judgment to defend our way of doing things. That breeds ugliness, not greater understanding.

Indignant self-righteousness has become commonplace in our culture.

I think wisdom has a minor amount to do with being right, at least not in the way that puts another person down. So often we fall into the trap of wanting to be right not so that we can help another person but so that we can prove that we are somehow better, or smarter, than them. I've been on both sides of this coin, I'm sorry to say.

Wisdom is not just in the details - but in how something is said.

This truth tells us that even the youngest and least learned around us can teach with wisdom if their words are shared with the intent of bringing about a better result. Oh that we may all check our intentions more carefully when stepping out to share with others the knowledge life has given us.

And perhaps we'd do well to practice our wisdom skills alongside our book smarts.

May you get an 'A' on your tests today.

Cheers.

Are you up for the challenge to learn something?

“Education is the kindling of a flame, not the filling of a vessel.” 

― Socrates

There seems to be a common perception in our culture that knowledge equals wisdom; however, I don’t believe this is true.

As Socrates eludes above - wisdom is what knowledge becomes when we have brought it into our hearts and experienced it as true. It is the action of considering something new and then tested that makes us more enlightened with the passing time. 

Wisdom requires awareness and a willingness to ask ourselves—and experience firsthand—what applies to each of us.

No matter our age, we've all had those moments and seasons when we've read some great work or heard some wonderful message and felt inspired. But that's not enough - just to feel inspiration.

In other words, wisdom comes from walking the walk, not just talking the talk. If you can take even one actionable thing away and put it immediately to use, you will begin to observe the fruit coming from what you've learned.

But that can also be a great challenge. As it always rocks your life boat a little...

You may know that you need to make a way to put new knowledge to work, but the actual implementation can be tedious. Scary even. The most sweeping revelations are never smoothly integrated into your life. But that's alright. Just commit to being open to the possibility first. That takes wisdom.

The wisdom of an openness of mind that has explored and experienced truth.  The wisdom that does not have set answers for everything but instead has a willingness to learn. The desire to try.

And that is an ageless quality of those who use every moment of their life to find that next thing to learn.

So if you are struggling with something in your life right now, consider this: There is no one correct answer. There is a lot of information out there, and it can be overwhelming at times, especially when you encounter the zealots (of which, I can be one) who swear that this (fill in the blank) is the solution.

The solution already exists inside of you. The answer will be revealed as you begin to experiment with the different ideas and discover what is right for you.

Wisdom requires being willing to learn what brings more harmony and integration, and what creates more conflict and division. Accepting the answer, and taking action.

Wisdom is a process. Sometimes a slow one, at times immediate.

Be open. Be challenged.

Cheers.