“Selfishness is not living your life as you wish to live it. Selfishness is wanting others to live their lives as you wish them to.”
~Oscar Wilde
I'm the first to admit that I am a class A control freak
In my defense, it's a infused in my genetic code on both sides of my family. I watched many of my relatives over engage in trying to get everyone to do what they felt was best for them. It was cited as being out of love, but more often than not it was out of panic. They feared what might happen if the person chose a different path than the one envisioned as the “right” one.
When controlling humans don't get their way, they usually get angry. Or they sulk and wait for the opportunity to remind you that 'I told you so...' I've watched whole segments of my family cut each other off in relationships do only to one member not following the wishes of another. Yeah, that was my learning table.
And through much of my life, I wrestled with control over the lives and situations presented to me with the force of Hulk.
I believed that my passion and experience would certainly benefit anyone and anything. It wasn't that I always got my way or people listened, but I would firmly insert myself so as to assure I would be there if something bad occurred. I would be 'Joy on the Spot' and fix it all.
But then, my oldest son was killed, and I could not control it or fix it.
Suddenly, my ability and strength to control went out the window. And while I did grasp at some straws trying to find ways to assure that I would never go through that kind of pain again, I knew inside it was futile. Over the years, I began to realize more and more that I would be better off to stay in my corner and get my life back together. I saw that even when others reached out to me and needed me, relinquishing control allowed me to help them in even greater ways.
I had a clearer view of their needs because I wasn't entwined in their decisions.
I didn’t realize how draining it was for me to take on everyone else’s “stuff.” When I started to let go of what other people were doing to fix their problems, I found I had way more energy to focus on me. Releasing control of what the people in my life decided to do enabled me to be a better listener since I was spending less time thinking of ways to “fix” their problem.
I was now free to learn from them rather than push on them my opinions and control.
I always thought I had all the answers. Clearly not since my life has been in shambles many times over. There is so much we can learn from others when we observe the way they do things. The next time we find ourselves in a similar situation, we may find that their way was the better way. You can even encourage them by giving them the credit for the answer.
By staying in your corner, you can be free to cheer and praise rather than direct and stress.
I'm still a class A controller, but I'm focused on myself and my path. It's freeing, and I have a lot more energy to invest in my life.
So here's to a week of finding your corner.
Cheers.
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