Giving, giving...Gone...

"Burnout is not about giving too much. It's about trying to give what you do not possess."

~Parker J. Palmer

It's beginning to sound a lot like the holiday season...

And there is so much about it that I adore. I love the smells of goodies, especially cinnamon and cookies.  I love the decorations and the festive lights that line houses and streets. As a parent and grandparent, I have endeavored  to interject holiday traditions within my family. Ones that they can carry on past my time here on earth. Like the Christmas Town that I put up each year, which is a fond memory I have of going to my Grandma Costa's house each year. 

But what I'm starting to sour on is the whole culture that has evolved around gift giving.

As we ended our long weekend of putting together a family gathering and events around Thanksgiving, I found myself feeling reticent to throw down for another escapade for Christmas. It's not the cooking, cleaning, refereeing, entertaining and recovery that I dread. It's the idea that we need to go out and spend money or write checks to people who really don't need anything they can't buy for themselves. Not the little ones, although finding something special becomes more and more difficult as they age. It's become an expectation, though, hasn't it? I have been musing all week about I why I am not already making a list and checking it twice. It's more than just the money. It's more than the time involved.

I think I am burnout on having to orchestrate all of it.

When I saw the quote above about what burnout is, I related. For whatever reason this year, I'm not up for being the Maestro of our family Christmas holiday. Maybe it's facing my husband's mortality. Probably something deeper that I just cannot express. But this week, as I think about giving and the holidays, I just don't seem to have it in me.

So I am not going to force myself to give what I do not possess.

Until I do.

I'll let you know how it goes.

Cheers. 

Conflicts Canceled, Until Further Notice.

Too many fighters stay in the game for too long. They stay because it's awfully hard to walk away from the roar of the crowd. Really hard. 

You live for that, and so you stay too long.

~Gerry Cooney

As I mentioned Monday, I'm quite comfortable with conflict...

Reading the quote above, I could relate. When conflict becomes a habit and a way of life, you find it hard to walk away. When you are a 'fighter,' like me, you begin to think you truly need it to substantiate yourself. And so, sometimes you will find yourself either embroiled in a useless argument or drawn back into a contemptuous relationship because it feels right. The cheering section of those around you who are either peace seekers or co-fighters will tell you it's okay. You are their leader in setting the score or making it right.

I'm here today to tell you that this is a condition you might want to bring healing to...

Yes, bring healing, as it really can be quite a bad habit that is stealing from your joy. Just consider for a moment the amount of time you have spent either trying to appease a person who seems to visit you with constant conflict or change the mind of someone who will never see things your way? And all the while, those people I talked about Monday - the ones who you need so badly to maintain a close relationship to - are there waiting for some of your time. The gap between those who are dear to you and those who are fear to you needs to be balanced. Or, they need to be completely reversed, whatever your case.

There are those that I will never allow to stay in conflict with me...

As a dear friend said yesterday, she would sit on the doorstep of her daughter if she refused to settle an argument with her. I don't give up on coming to an understanding with dear ones. You should not either. But there are others, who might be related to you even, who may need to receive a notice of cancellation. 

"Dear person, our conflicts are cancelled until further notice." 

Sometimes, it's time to walk away. 

Wish them peace, and give yourself freedom.

Cheers. 

The Comfort of Conflict.

“Conflict is inevitable, but combat is optional.”

~Max Lucado

My husband says I live for conflict...

While I do not agree with him completely, I can understand the conviction of his belief. In the 20 or so years we've known each other, he's seen me go from conflict to conflict in many areas of my life. He, and his family, on the other hand, seem to avoid the option of coming to conflict in any way possible. They choose to avoid or deflect, and just hope that eventually, it will all go away. Grudges will not be held, although the issue may be archived in some historical family story.  Now, my family operates in a very different manner. Suffice it to say that if my husband's family and the like are similar to the Irish Setter that greets the intruder at the door, we are more like the Junkyard Dog pulling at a stake in the yard. 

And it's hard to 'untrain' that kind of behavior. 

I do appreciate the lack of powerful drama that surrounds his family gatherings, even in the midst of disagreements. It is very true that in the middle of a conflict, we often say or do things we did not mean, and find ourselves wanting to take it back. These words may not be retrievable, and that can cause long term damage that only time can heal. So as a Mother and Grandmother, I've tried to become a better example to my offspring of carefully approaching conflict in a healthy way. And this week, as our country seems to be embroiled in yet another conflict, I've found myself quite comfortable with it. And here's why:

Conflicts can be an opportunity for greater intimacy and connection.

Taking a partial cue from my husband and taking a deeper look inside my approach to conflict, I have learned that my perspective toward conflict can radically change the outcome. At least for the deeper and more meaningful relationships in my life. When I went from being on the attack in  challenging conversations and viewing them as “war” to viewing them as an integral part of communication and necessary for a healthy relationship, I began to see far more growth from them. For me, it's a constant internal message of 'this isn't about winning, it's about understanding'.  This behavior is opposite of how I was raised, and how I've raised my children. I can modify my approach, and not have to give up conflict. 

Difficult conversations are a fact of life. 

Find a way to be comfortable with conflict.

Find a way to understand it.

Cheers. 

Service, with an inner smile.

"The fruit of love is service, the fruit of service is peace, and peace begins with a smile."

~Mother Teresa

I appreciate that Mother Teresa didn't instruct us that we jump into service with a smile. 

Her instruction is rather that we find love first. That we are motivated to serve because of love. That this love is driven from knowledge gathered by an awareness of either wanting to do something or knowing exactly what we need to do. We smile once we can match our compassionate love with a service, and there is an enormous amount of peace that often follows the fruits we observe in the outcomes.

But then, there are those times...

Those times when your service is met with opposition and disdain. Your love is completely ignored and even questioned. Broken souls who have no desire to be mended find ways to assure you your efforts will not be needed. That is unless they choose to pick through what you have to offer and send you packing with whatever they turn their noses up toward. Yes, there are those times, and there are seasons when they seem like the rule instead of the exception.

It doesn't mean the fruits of the service go away. On the contrary, this is when they are the most necessary.

Mother Teresa understood what we all must pray to absorb. No one can take away love and passion that resides within you toward a calling to service. That is yours to explore and explode to the world around you. Holding fast to the peace that comes from that smile, no matter if it shines on your face or gleams on the inside, will fertilize and grow your love. There are times when smiling at those we serve frankly isn't appropriate. They might need our tears or our calm countenance. And those broken souls will walk away confused if you bow your head, tip your hat, or wink your eye as you wish them well.

In those times, we keep our smile inside.

Breathing out peace.

Servants with an inner smile.

Cheers. 

Serving for the service, not the validation.

“If you light a lamp for someone else it will also brighten your path.” 

~Buddha

Throughout my life, I often found myself in the position of helping others.

I just never really saw it as 'serving' them. As I have grown to know myself, I have discovered that I have a heart that wants the best for myself and others. I now get opportunities to serve others nearly every day, and this has brought me great fulfillment. I have been told that I make it look easy, but it wasn't always this simple for me. I spent a great deal of my life wondering why I was here and being sincerely mistreated by those you believe you should trust the most. Instead, they were able to completely disconnect from me, and I had to face the devastation of not being important to them. I decided that I had to be who I was for no one else but me. I would be different and change the course of my legacy.

Little did I know that being different meant discovering myself and not just changing my circumstances.

When I examined who I had grown up to be based on my history, I uncovered some disturbing things. There were several areas of my character that were negative and needed improvement. I had justified each one as a defense mechanism and habit that had been formed from abuse. But if I truly wanted to be different and make a historical change, I had to lose that perspective. And in the area of serving others, I had to face a tough one. I was always a helpful person, but it was about seeking validation for what I did, not about the difference I could make in others’ lives.

I would often be so angry with myself for doing things for other people that I really didn’t want to do.

I started learning about who I was and why I was behaving the way I did. I was angry that I didn’t say no when I really wanted to. I was seeking validation in these moments and wanting to be liked. That was not service. It was receiving something. Service was about giving. The kind of giving that can leave you feeling empty and tired, but not used or abused. So I had to start saying no more to the things that would get me something for a fleeting moment, and yes to things that would teach me about how to serve. And the more I served, the stronger my inner joy and understanding became. I no longer required the validation.

I validated myself.

I developed inner strength that needed no man or woman.

Inner strength that I owned, tended to and harvested.

Cheers.

When Evaluation Challenges... Wake up is calling.

"True genius resides in the capacity for evaluation of uncertain, hazardous, 

and conflicting information." 

~Winston Churchill

It's not judgemental to say that every life could use a 'little' improvement.

As I continued to consider the benefits of evaluating and accepting what I hear, I came upon the thought of getting a not so great piece of information. It might be something you knew about but did not realize was becoming a real problem. Or perhaps this is an issue that never crossed your mind or from your perspective is not that big of a deal. Then you sit down with a subjective or objective Evaluator, and they deliver the blow. 

Houston, we have a problem...

Our next go-to position is most likely denial or argument. You shake your head, visually or inside, and consider how they could have come to this erroneous conclusion. But the best Evaluators come loaded with evidence. Whether through test results or outcomes or testimony, you are presented with the facts. Now the proverbial onus becomes yours. And the largest challenge you now face is not just to accept. That's only step one, and unless you are completely delusional, you'll get there or be dismissed as irrational. 

The challenge is now what you will do with what you have heard?

Ding dong...Wake up calling!

It's now no longer the responsibility of the Evaluator to deal with the harsh realities. Certainly, they can support, direct, encourage or even threaten, but you alone now must choose to act.  Oh, those dreaded hours, days and weeks after hearing not so great results can be tiring. It's just like the alarm going off too early when you had plans to sleep in. It takes a bit to get clear and get going.

You could always fall back into your slumber, but that's not where the growth resides.

It's ok to give yourself time to wake up from the call. It's ok to blink hard a few times and gulp a few times as you swallow that jagged little pill. But the important thing is that you move forward. Take action. Even if you still have a slight doubt about the Evaluator's opinion, what they have to say is rarely anything that will bring you harm if you choose to act upon it.

Big or small, change is hard.

But it can make all the best parts of you come out to shine.

Cheers.