The Comfort of Conflict.

“Conflict is inevitable, but combat is optional.”

~Max Lucado

My husband says I live for conflict...

While I do not agree with him completely, I can understand the conviction of his belief. In the 20 or so years we've known each other, he's seen me go from conflict to conflict in many areas of my life. He, and his family, on the other hand, seem to avoid the option of coming to conflict in any way possible. They choose to avoid or deflect, and just hope that eventually, it will all go away. Grudges will not be held, although the issue may be archived in some historical family story.  Now, my family operates in a very different manner. Suffice it to say that if my husband's family and the like are similar to the Irish Setter that greets the intruder at the door, we are more like the Junkyard Dog pulling at a stake in the yard. 

And it's hard to 'untrain' that kind of behavior. 

I do appreciate the lack of powerful drama that surrounds his family gatherings, even in the midst of disagreements. It is very true that in the middle of a conflict, we often say or do things we did not mean, and find ourselves wanting to take it back. These words may not be retrievable, and that can cause long term damage that only time can heal. So as a Mother and Grandmother, I've tried to become a better example to my offspring of carefully approaching conflict in a healthy way. And this week, as our country seems to be embroiled in yet another conflict, I've found myself quite comfortable with it. And here's why:

Conflicts can be an opportunity for greater intimacy and connection.

Taking a partial cue from my husband and taking a deeper look inside my approach to conflict, I have learned that my perspective toward conflict can radically change the outcome. At least for the deeper and more meaningful relationships in my life. When I went from being on the attack in  challenging conversations and viewing them as “war” to viewing them as an integral part of communication and necessary for a healthy relationship, I began to see far more growth from them. For me, it's a constant internal message of 'this isn't about winning, it's about understanding'.  This behavior is opposite of how I was raised, and how I've raised my children. I can modify my approach, and not have to give up conflict. 

Difficult conversations are a fact of life. 

Find a way to be comfortable with conflict.

Find a way to understand it.

Cheers.