Serving for the service, not the validation.

“If you light a lamp for someone else it will also brighten your path.” 

~Buddha

Throughout my life, I often found myself in the position of helping others.

I just never really saw it as 'serving' them. As I have grown to know myself, I have discovered that I have a heart that wants the best for myself and others. I now get opportunities to serve others nearly every day, and this has brought me great fulfillment. I have been told that I make it look easy, but it wasn't always this simple for me. I spent a great deal of my life wondering why I was here and being sincerely mistreated by those you believe you should trust the most. Instead, they were able to completely disconnect from me, and I had to face the devastation of not being important to them. I decided that I had to be who I was for no one else but me. I would be different and change the course of my legacy.

Little did I know that being different meant discovering myself and not just changing my circumstances.

When I examined who I had grown up to be based on my history, I uncovered some disturbing things. There were several areas of my character that were negative and needed improvement. I had justified each one as a defense mechanism and habit that had been formed from abuse. But if I truly wanted to be different and make a historical change, I had to lose that perspective. And in the area of serving others, I had to face a tough one. I was always a helpful person, but it was about seeking validation for what I did, not about the difference I could make in others’ lives.

I would often be so angry with myself for doing things for other people that I really didn’t want to do.

I started learning about who I was and why I was behaving the way I did. I was angry that I didn’t say no when I really wanted to. I was seeking validation in these moments and wanting to be liked. That was not service. It was receiving something. Service was about giving. The kind of giving that can leave you feeling empty and tired, but not used or abused. So I had to start saying no more to the things that would get me something for a fleeting moment, and yes to things that would teach me about how to serve. And the more I served, the stronger my inner joy and understanding became. I no longer required the validation.

I validated myself.

I developed inner strength that needed no man or woman.

Inner strength that I owned, tended to and harvested.

Cheers.