Are You Making Resolutions or Are You Resolved?

"Your success and happiness lie in you. Resolve to keep happy, and your joy and you shall form an invincible host against difficulties." 

~Helen Keller

Are you a Resolution maker?

During these last few weeks of the year, many among us turn our minds to the fresh start of New Years. Although reality tells us it's just a continuation of time that holds no special purpose, the calendar tradition of changing the number on the year date denotes a starting over event. It's almost as though a slate filled with words and lists has been wiped clean. And with that comes the task of making new lists, and writing new words, things we call "Resolutions". 

What is a 'Resolution'? A wish? A hope? A yearly thing you start over?

I know that many make frivolous statements about what they want to change or do in the new year, and some of this serial self-letdown can start to become habitual. It is, after all, a resolution - literally a firm decision to act in some way.  Watching yourself firmly resolve only to see a quiet slide in the other direction has to do something to one's self-image. 

The question is, just how much negative build up happens after years and years of letting yourself down? 

Perhaps it's time to resolve not to over or understate your resolve this year.  Being resolutely steadfast and honest about what you can accomplish doesn't mean under-achieving, it just means deciding to build on what is real and possible.  If the foundation of your excellent resolution is sand, you're not going to have a lot of luck building stable and long-lasting outcomes. 

My farmer's daughter roots tell me that you have to know your soil before you decide what to plant, and preparing that soil is the most important step in the harvest.  

How about building on the decision to be happy for a change?

If the actions behind your resolutions are not making you happy, do you think you'll ever continue them? Ever seen a truck stuck in the thick mud?

Be resolute and happier about your resolve throughout the year, not just for the first weeks of it.

Let this be day 1 of 365.

Cheers.

You Are The Pilot Of The Flying Time

“Without giving up hope—that there’s somewhere better to be, that there’s someone better to be—we will never relax with where we are or who we are.” 

~Pema Chödrön

Time Flies.

It’s a fact that we all live with. It appears as though the older we get, the more it feels like the time is flying even faster - and our legs are getting tired, not to mention our other body parts.

I used to spend my days in a frenzy.

It was all about checking off items on the list, and moving forward to some elusive time or place when I would have… time.

Thankfully, I have now changed my relationship with my precious twenty-four hours. I thought I would share a few tips that have helped me to have a more joyous perspective on being the pilot of my time.

1. Notice the words “I don’t have enough time.” Change the language.

We’ve established that we all have the same amount of time. So why dwell on the obvious? Instead, be honest with yourself. If there is something that you are not doing, you are choosing not to.

Instead say, “I would love to, but I have another commitment.” Be present with that. Notice how it feels to have made that choice. Perhaps, you will make a different decision next time.

2. Know what your priorities are. Stick to them.

Today, I know precisely what my priorities are. And they are so simple.

Stay healthy—physically, mentally, and spiritually. I make time for about one hour of yoga and walking six days a week.

By knowing my priorities and sticking to them, I know I am making the best of my twenty-four hours. I am consistently doing things that are important to me, and that I feel are making a contribution in some way.

3. Let go of what others think of you. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

Sticking to your priorities will involve a whole lot of saying no. No is a complete sentence. You will get better at it. People will respect you for it.

4. Stop worrying about your “purpose.

This is a colossal waste of time.  When it comes down to it, you live your life how you live your days. If you live your days, your moments, your hours well, you will spend your life well.

So stop worrying about your “life,” and bring your attention to what this day brings. Love all of it. Your purpose is not to change the world, but to experience it fully in all its ambiguity.

Now, time to 'throttle up'...

Cheers.

It Might Be Time To Get Out Of Your Own Way.

“I wish I could show you, when you are lonely or in darkness, 

the astonishing light of your own being.” 

~Hafiz of Shiraz

I have been on a quest to be happy for as long as I can remember.

Perhaps you are like me. You looked everywhere - relationships, work, spirituality - but nothing stuck. It was like putting on a chapstick over dried out and cracked lips. The relief was temporary, then the agitation that lived under the smile was back.

I knew there had to be more, and I want to tell you that I found it when I learned to get out of the way.

Without realizing it, I had been caught up in habitual ways of thinking and feeling that dominated my everyday life. My mind went on endlessly with judgments, expectations, worries, resentments, and stories about what should and shouldn't happen. And I had overlooked the feelings of fear and uneasiness that were running beneath the surface almost nonstop. Life was happening, but with a constant inner commentary about how things weren't quite right. No wonder I wasn't happy.

Fast forward to now, and things are very different. 

No more useless worrying, regret, or getting caught in mental stories about other people or myself. Even my body has relaxed without that lurking agitation.
And here's what I discovered:

Getting out of the way means becoming very familiar with your inner world. 

You discover what you do that makes you suffer so you can choose peace instead.

Amazingly, you realize that you can press pause in any moment and step back from the momentum of old, recycled habits. Take time to reconsider.

When you do, you see what is actually happening: the pain of being stuck in an old resentment that has been dragging you down, and the chaos that comes from letting your feelings rule.

With your eyes wide open, you are primed to live in intelligent ways, affirming, and aligned with your deepest desires.

Finally, clarity arrives.

Cheers.

Remember, Circumstances Are Temporary Things.

"Where you are is not who you are. Yours truly, Circumstances."

~Me

Does anyone else dread getting back to work after missing a few days?

It's great to have a break, but the work goes on, and you have to come back to catch up. I noticed this week after returning from a day off that I had a cloud hanging over me for much of the day. It began with the very first email I received and grew darker around lunchtime. I found myself feeling a little frantic and disconcerted. Would I really be able to accomplish what was needed to right this queasy feeling in the pit of my stomach?

And then, I had a meltdown on my husband over a silly comment regarding my driving...

I stomped into the sandwich shop ahead of him and encountered a long line. Of course. I found myself saying in my head, "Geez, what a lame set of circumstances I'm encountering today!" And then it hit me, as insight often does if we are listening. These clouds, these circumstances, were just temporary. Whether by the passing of time or the expression of action, they would soon be gone. 

Circumstances are not 'life sentences,' they are punctuation marks. 

Our circumstances are like a comma or a semi-colon, or even an exclamation mark - placed in our lives due to a change in direction of some kind. They are intentioned to get our attention, and they will whether we like it or not. 

The key, as always, is how we respond.

Do we roll up into a ball and wait for the storm to pass? 

Do we tense up our shoulders and grit our teeth?

Or, do we acknowledge them, deal with them, and wave goodbye?

Cheers. 

Let Your Inner Dancer Become Your Dance!

“What you think of yourself is much more important than what people think of you.”

 ~Seneca

I can still remember it like it happened yesterday.

There I was. Ten years old. It was my first day back at a new school. My 4th in my young life.

I walked past the gate that marked the entrance to the school compound. I passed under this massive tree as it towered over me. I was in a crowd of other screaming school kids. They laughed and cackled loudly. It was cold, and yet I was dressed in a short-sleeved dress and black 'go-go' boots.

Me? I just felt overwhelmed. See, I was always an anxious kid. Scared. Worried that I would not be successful at this new school. If I struggled and had trouble, that would only add to the tension and disruption in my home. I had to make it, and help my parents find a reason to be happy. That was the world I lived in.

For many years, my obligation to make others happy tainted my vision like prison bars that impose a life sentence on inmates who have long forgotten the bars even exist. Thankfully, people were put in my path who told me I could be more. They told me I deserved to be free, and confident in my abilities.

But there was a process to becoming the self-confident human I am today. I had to lose the self-consciousness that stopped me from finding the rhythm of my life and dancing to it. I had to....

Let the dancer become the dance.

Do you ever feel disconnected from what you’re doing because of that little voice telling you that you're not good enough? Does your mental chatter derail your sincere efforts? If so, you’re not alone. We all experience this from time to time. I think I've found part of the solution to this constricting behavior.

Make a decision to lose yourself completely in your work and in the moments of your life. Get so absorbed in it that you enter a state of flow. Let the dancer become the dance. Become the subject of your bigger picture, not a just small segment of your story.

When the dancer becomes the dance, there is no dancer. It's just a lovely performance. Therefore, there is no one to suffer from lack of confidence. No one to draw the attention to themselves and their difference.

There’s just the dance. The flow.

It's not blending in and becoming unseen.

It's finding how you are vital to all that surrounds you.

Cheers.

Can You Go With The Flow Of Your Life?

“When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.” ~Lao Tzu

I have had to find (and am still finding) my balance of what truly makes me the valuable person that I am. 

Most of all, I have had to learn how to embrace the fluidity of life. I believe this is what Lao Tzu meant by his words.

I had to learn to stop fighting against the flow.

The illusion of “I am that” holds many of us captive in prisons of our own making. In the struggle to define ourselves as individuals, we often paint ourselves into lonely and sometimes dangerous corners. Gender, sexual orientation, politics, religion, race - although we may belong to a particular group, it is the over-identification with that group that separates us from the next individual. We become stunted in growth when we cling to these outward labels.

We can even become over-identified with the roles we play such as spouse, parent, or child.

What happens when circumstances change? 

Does this explain the ex-lover who can’t let go or the overbearing parent of an adult child? Our titles, our affiliations, and even our closest relationships don’t define the cores of who we are. “I am that” leads to stagnation. It blocks our journey to wholeness. We often fail to remember that our commonality is the only identification that matters.

Spiritual progression requires that we learn to welcome flow. 

What misguided visions of yourself do you hold?
What constraints have you placed around yourself to impede your own evolution?
What must you let go of to become who you might be?

Cheers.

Finding Your "To-Be List" vs. Your "To-Do List"

“Don’t equate your self-worth with how well you do in life.  You aren’t what you do. If you are what you do, then when you don’t…you aren’t.” 

~Wayne Dyer

As you crawl into bed, thump your pillow to make the perfect little cave for your head to rest in, 

You will pull the covers up tight under your chin, and let go of that big sigh that indicates the day is finished, how do you look back on the waking hours you just experienced? How do you measure the quality of your day? Most of us will measure our day by what we did. We will reflect back and count the things on the to-do list we were able to check off. The more check marks, the better.

How well we did will also come into play as we reflect back on our doing. 

The more praise we received for it, either the self-provided kind or that offered by others, the higher we rank our day regarding quality. We may compare our daily accomplishments to those of the people who trudged through the hours with us. “Did I do more or better than Jim, John, or Mary?” No matter how much we goofed up if Mary goofed up more than we can sigh with relief and call it a good day as we close our eyes for the night.

What happens, however, if you never got done what you wanted to get done? 

Most of us still measure the quality of our daily experiences, the quality of our lives by what we do, and what we accomplish on our list. We seldom determine the value of our life experience by how present we are or are not. We don’t stop ourselves from thinking of the ‘next thing’ vs. focusing on this special minute. We allow the list to rule us. We become it's robots.

Rather thank the owners of it.

What would happen if we started doing that?

The list would be much shorter.

But perhaps a lot richer.

Cheers.

Remember: We Are All Works In Progress.

"If you are always trying to be normal, you will never know how amazing you can be."

~Maya Angelo

Warning, Egg-Head alert - The Brain is a pretty fantastic organ.

In my current life, I am doing a whole lot of learning about the brain and how it learns. I've long been fascinated by the way in which people react to each other and their circumstances, but my perspective remained in the realm of emotional health. When I decided to pursue my education in Behavioral Therapy and Psychology, I have become exposed to how the physiology of the brain plays a dominant role in human relationships and responses.

Our brains are soaking information up like dry sponges for the first two years.

And they take that information and form a foundation for our future learning adventures. This does not mean, however, that the brain just stops and remains the same from there. It's not only potential deterioration, disease or development that may change the mind and how it works either. The brain takes in every interaction and experience we gather our entire lives and uses that to form a new determinant belief or learning premise. 

The more we challenge it, the more it keeps growing.

Even those of us who encounter dementia or psychological illness will keep learning if we don't stop exercising our brain. Those who just stop and remain in a chair staring out a window will also continue developing, but only not in distinct ways. Our minds never stop learning, until we cease to breathe in oxygen, a vital brain nutrient. Then, the work of the brain is done.

So when you encounter another human, remember - They are a work in progress.

Keep planting seeds and challenging, you'll be helping them.

Oh, and do the same for you while you're at it.

Cheers.

When It Is Time to Cut It Out...

"Eliminate what does not help you to evolve."

~Unknown

I am getting my Gall Bladder removed this week.

That's not something I would usually bring into a piece of my philosophical sharing, but in my regular Joyous way, I have found some meaning in the decision. In a phone call with a dear one yesterday as I delivered the news, he exclaimed, "But Mom, it's a body part. Shouldn't you try to find a way to save it?!" That had not occurred to me you see because this 'body part' had become quite annoying and prohibitive to me over the past several days. However, I did ponder his concern in honor of his thought. In his sincerity, he did not have all of the information I did in making my decision.

This little old body part had become a rather big deal in my life.

This 3-inch organ had shown me it had the power to completely incapacitate me when the right conditions existed. I had never had such an experience. After the 'attack' was finished (oh, and it is an all-out attack) I was left exhausted and feeling as though I had just endured a long battle (I had). My very full life does not allow for such complete time stealers to remain present. So, after a visit to the Surgeon, I agreed - the little organ has to go.

We encounter many of these kinds of little monstrous things in our lives, don't we?

It can be a happenstance relationship that becomes fixed and begins to sap your energies. It can be a relationship that has been long a part of you but really isn't vital and now has grown injurious. It can be an activity that you once thought you could control that has now begun to control you. Like the Gall Bladder, they may serve a purpose, and that purpose may appear to be significant. But if they are incapacitating you from being who you were created to be, if they are preventing your evolution,  then they may need to be removed.

Might be time to call a Surgeon - or some other support.

Even the modification required may be worth the loss.

Consult your wisdom then decide.

Cheers.

Providing Support Is Not Often Warm and Fuzzy.

"When you replace 'I' with 'We' even illness becomes wellness."

~Unknown

Sometimes you just want to walk away from a hairy situation.

I found myself in one this week, and everything within me wanted to shout, "Okay, I've had it...!" It was not the first time this dear one had found themselves facing the dysfunction that is part of his family life, and certainly not the last I fear. I had faced much of it with him and had also been the source of some of the encounters, so this was far from surprising. Here I was again, being asked to not turn over the apple cart, to not get emotional, to just roll with it....

But perhaps like me, you are one of the 'stand your ground' types.

I'm better now, but for much of my life, I don't do well with backing off of a good confrontation. The more complicated, the better. It's as though I think I was born with some God-given right to set the record, and the actions, of others straight. Over the years, however, I've grown to understand that it is sometimes better to just take a deep breath and let 

You see, he and my other loved ones didn't need a Gladiator...

They needed a source of soothing support. Someone who would stand next to them and help them to think it through with healing rationality. It was necessary for me to put away my chain armor, and put on my cotton robe. That did not make me feel in any way more comfortable. In fact, it was downright painful and a little scary. I would be offering my dear one the kind of support he was asking for, and he needs, but I might be opening myself up to some arrows. That takes some healthy decision-making.

Providing support requires we be willing to endure some pains. 

Endure a few bruised egos and take a few sucker punches.

All in the name of getting someone else through a leg of their journey.

And you will grow a little wiser and stronger.

Cheers.

A Detour Can Be a Good Thing.

"Some may try to detour you, but never let them derail you." 

~Me, 2017

Have you ever had one of those feet fly out from underneath you moments?

The phone rings, and the voice on the other end states, "I have something to talk to you about." Or maybe, "Things just are not working out." Or, "We have decided we need to go a different direction." It's one thing if there is a forecast of a storm coming your way, but wholly another when it flies out of a clear sky that appears to be devoid of any turbulence. You might just gasp, or gulp - my favorite thing is to utter, "What?" as though I definitely heard them wrong. Some of us think we can change the ongoing course of a storm if we just challenge it hard enough. But most of the time, there is no mistaking it. There's a detour ahead, and it will not be your choice. It's being forced upon you.

I'd like to tell you that you should smile and face the wind, but it's not that easy.

Foisted detours are fraught with emotion, and often you find yourself unable to show those emotions as you would like adequately. You don't want to be 'that person' who lost it and melted down at hearing the hard redirect. So you gather yourself together like a load of dirty sheets and disconnect, moving forward even if in a haze. 

But as the dust is still settling, it occurs to you that you are not finished.

While whomever you interacted with sighs with relief to have that over with, you are left to survey the both the damage and the road ahead, This is the classic moment in time that may define you for a long while. Realizing you have both choice and power, both elements that you felt slip from you in the detour bestowed upon you. There is a road ahead, and while it may be a different one than you envisioned, it is still YOUR road.

So now is not the time to look backward. 

Eyes forward.

Set an intention on your destination.

You're not at the end, just a new kind of beginning.

Cheers.

While you're doing all that good stuff: Don't Forget You.

"You gotta nourish to flourish."

~unknown

We've all found ourselves caught up in taking care of others.

I'm one of those who believes that most people are innately good and want to help others. Yes, sometimes the motivation goes askew, or the desire to control through 'helping' can rear its head - but mostly, people want to come to the aid of those in need. Take the recent Hurricanes and flooding for instance. We chip in and help. 

Perhaps the problem arises because we 'expect' to find peace and happiness from doing this.

People wait to feel this cloud 9 elation as they pack up that truck with food or hit enter on the computer to give that cash. But the reality is that the good feeling is on the receiving end. You are emptying something - either your energies or your pockets.

When we can wrap our brain around this truth, we start becoming more aware of ourselves.

An awareness that is not a bad self-absorption, but more of insight into what we need to stay energetic. We remain conscious of our capacities and strength. We provide a place of insightful observation that takes our abilities into consideration. We are left feeling satisfied and peaceful, not spent.

This takes a conscious act of self-connection.

How about it? When was the last time you sat and let yourself breathe and connected with you? 

With all your compassion, can you find some self-compassion?

An intention is behind everything we do. Be self-intent and watch your power to impact grow. 

Cheers.

The Wisdom of Choice - While you still have some.

"Before, there were so many things that occupied my mind. When I learned how much time I had left, however, it became clear which things are really important."

~Unknown 24-year-old victim of Cancer

What is it that will steal your time or your emotion today without justly deserving it?

Maybe the coffee pot won't start as planned. Or perhaps your neighbor's dog will tear into your garbage can. Or maybe there's that person in the office that just will not stop talking when you really need to get to work. We all awake with a set amount of time ahead of us that we plan to be awake, and during that time, much of it is filled with choices set before us like an unopened gathering of presents.

And we make the assumption that we will have choices for the full brevity of the time allotted.

It's interesting, that even those of us closely touched by unexpected death still find ourselves living in lives that are filled with empty and unfulfilling moments. As I read the thoughts of the young man above, I was filled with a conviction that his message needed to be read every day. Not just on days I'm feeling discouraged or down, but on days when I'm feeling on top of the world too. Because in every day we meet choices, and those choices will not just determine our shortcomings, but also how we exist in the brief years we occupy this Earth.

So here are his four most important messages for those of us with time to spare*:

1. Don’t waste your time on work that you don’t enjoy. It is obvious that you cannot succeed in something that you don’t like. 
2. It’s stupid to be afraid of others’ opinions....Listen to your inner voice and go with it. 
3. Take control of your life. Take full responsibility for the things that happen to you. Let your life be shaped by decisions you made, not by the ones you didn’t.
4. Appreciate the people around you. Your friends and relatives will always be an infinite source of strength and love.

*For more, click here

My Wednesday Wisdom for you is to consider your choices - while you still have some.

Don't just click off this post and go back to normal.

Be brave enough to make a choice that is long past due.

Cheers.

Lessons Do Not Have To Hurt - Let Them Be Your Sculptor

“I’m grateful for past betrayals, heartaches, and challenges… I thought they were breaking me, 

but they were sculpting me.” 

~Steve Maraboli

It was 3 years ago today. I saw 'that' picture that made me wince.

It was a picture taken by a lovely friend of my daughters at her Baby Shower. It was me, standing happily on the back steps of our patio. I had a giant smile and happy face. That did not make me wince. It was the body placed beneath my neck. A body that was busting out of the cotton fitted Sun Dress. There was no room for imagination, and this although I knew I was sweating profusely from the shaper I was wearing underneath. 

I had allowed my lifestyle to get out of control, and my body was demonstrating just how much.

Somehow, although I knew I was a large person, I had been able to completely diminish the state of my body. I want to be clear here, it was not just that I was kind of fat, like obese. It was more than just my size. I was in pain as well. My joints hurt, my stomach was bothering me, and I had skin conditions developing around the flaps of my body. Little did I know at the time that I would find myself on a journey of self-improvement, borne out of physical necessity. As a result, I would make drastic changes to my life.

I would eventually learn to stop using my size and pain as an excuse not to exercise. I discovered what it meant to make a decision - to decide, really decide.

I would also find out that I am my own worst enemy, what with the constant barrage of negative thoughts that consumed every waking moment as I sought answers from what I had known from my past experiences and those who had succeeded in getting better. Through it all, I would discover the power of meditation and yoga to help me deal with life’s stresses (people or situations).

Three years later, this chronic pain and pressure are but a distant memory. From time to time it returns as nothing more than a mild muscle soreness or tension, usually when I push myself too hard. Through the years, I've attempted to encapsulate all the lessons I have learned through my journey to better health. 

The list is getting smaller, and I realize they have become my Sculptor. They are reshaping me all the time.

These are the lessons from my experience I wish to share with you today. I believe they can be associated with other burdens you might be carrying today:

The Sculpting lessons at a Glance

1. You are what you think. So, choose carefully!
2. Question your beliefs.
3. Sometimes things have to get worse before they get better.
4. Stop finding excuses for why you can’t. This is called blaming. Instead, find reasons why you can. This is called taking the initiative.
5. Be thankful for both the good and the bad in your life for both are gifts.
6. Meditate
7. Really decide.

I used to wonder if, given a chance to be spared those three years of pain, infirmity, and uncertainty, would I take it?

My answer is no.

It’s made me the person I am today. I would have missed all those valuable lessons and tremendous opportunities for self-growth. More importantly, I would have missed sharing those lessons here today.

Cheers.

Do You Have Your Arrows Ready?

"Life can be like shooting an arrow. Sometimes you have to pull back 

hard so you can launch it forward." 

~Me

I've started to have a new appreciation for preparation lately.

I have a tendency to run head long into a project or passion. I get so excited about the vision that I believe the details of getting it accomplished will just fall into place. This philosophy still can actually work for many missions we set out on in life. Our intentions can be altered and fluid as we get to where we are going, and eventually, it all works out. But today, I was considered the more pointed and sharp targets we set for ourselves, and perhaps others. These can only be achieved via calculated actions, and they take a lot more spirited strength than the random goal.

You might say they are like an arrow shot from a bow toward a target.

Sometimes life provides us with an opportunity to aim a little higher or farther than we had originally thought we might. In these times, we have to take some time to consider our target how we might hit it. If we go right out and pick up that bow with Herculean enthusiasm and shoot, not only could we completely miss, but also fall flatly well before the target. All that effort wasted. What a shame. Or worse, we could find ourselves piercing an innocent bystander (Sorry about that arrow in the leg...).

No, like it or not, even a repeated pull and put down, pull and put down might be better. At least until we sense we see the target and have measured all the obstacles.

So let's be sure we have our arrows ready and the strength to pull back really hard.

And then maybe wait. 

Narrow your focus.

Take steady aim before you let it fly.

Cheers.

It Might Be Time To Stop Working It Out : Work Things In.

"The risk of a wrong decision is preferable to the terror of indecision."

~Maimonides

It was 11 years ago today. My husband Chris smoked his last piece of a cigarette.

At least one that he actually wanted to smoke. Since that day, he has attempted to smoke a cigarette to see what it was like, and he nearly made himself sick. Chris has smoked since his early 20's, so smoking was a significant part of his daily life for over 20 years. It was what he did first thing in the morning, before he went to bed, during breaks at work, at a bar, at a game - it was more than a habit - it was a necessity. He had tried to work out in his head what life could be like without it, and he only saw a big gaping hole. Emptiness would exist where this action did. So much space to fill. 

We spend an awful lot of time trying to 'work things out' that are bothering us, don't we?

It might be a relationship or a career choice that we just think we have to stick to and make work. Or, like Chris, a thing that exists in our life that we know we would be better off without, but we can't work out if those reasons are better than dealing with their absence. In both cases, we might be focusing on the wrong goals, that is 'working something out.' What if, instead, we found reasonings or activities to 'work into' our lives? Choices we can make that will support the decision to work something out of our lives, once and for all?

Chris decided to stop being a participant and instead be the leader of his life.

He decided that he would not be told where he had to sit or not sit in a bar or restaurant. He decided he would stay in the hotel room he liked, not the one that was offered. He decided he would take breaks at work to rest his mind and body, and have real conversations with others, not just because his body was craving nicotine. He decided his air would be of his choosing, not of some source filtered through fire. He decided to take control and to start working all of these decisions 'in' to his life.

So what have you been trying to work out that can be handled by working a few things in?

Instead of focusing on what you need to stop doing, try thinking of what you can start doing. Rather than stressing over the emptiness, consider all the things you can now fill it with. 

Stop seeing the mountain, start seeing the peak.

Stop holding a door open, instead open a new door.

Don't be afraid, be brave, you got this.

Cheers. 

Do You Have a Love Hate Relationship With the Process?

I almost wanted to quit my job last night.

Not really really, but close. I threw my hands in the air in frustration after receiving not one but three emails requesting more detailed information on a project I needed to begin work on.  It would be one thing if this were something new that I was learning and therefore might make a few mistakes on. Although as a 'seasoned' member of the workforce, I don't give myself much slack there either. No, it was something I had done numerous times before, and once again I sent off my processed request in a willy nilly fashion, expecting the results to be different this time. Hmmm.... Isn't that the definition of insanity?

I have always struggled with the details of the process.

It's not that I don't appreciate the process or the components of it. I just don't want to be the one who has to see they are done. I have come to understand that I am one of those people who gets a vision in their head and just wants to gather it all up into a ball and throw it to success. I'm a make it happen gal, but more the starter or the anchor, not the second or third leg. And last night, as I gritted my teeth and attempted to comply with the details in a weary state of mind, I realized something of importance:

When you get angry with the process, you lose sight of the goal.

In those hours of angst, I had forgotten what the process was all about. I had looked away from the reasons why I do what I do and who it is for ultimately. Not just to make my life simpler or the company I work for happier. But to serve a population of people who need our support to live fuller and complete lives. There are many components in the process of bringing that vision into perspective, and each one is important. 

So many other visions in our lives require process details, don't they?

We can attempt to bulldoze through them, but then there might be a gaping hole in the road to your goal.  We can expect the details to be done by someone else, but then they will be altered and no longer yours. 

We should keep a firm ownership on our visions.

Be the keeper of our dreams.

Trust the process.

Cheers.

It's Time. Get Up.

"If all you can do is crawl - start crawling."

~Rumi

Some might think these words apply to starting something, but I think of restarting.

After all, when you first make a decision to begin some giant course of action, you are filled with adrenaline and expectation. Your stomach might be a little nervous, but it's an excited nervousness that fuels your determination. You've plotted a design for exactly how you will make it to your goal - this time. More than likely, you have been here before, but never quite made it, turning around or taking a seat and chalking it up to another attempt. 

These words are for that moment ahead of you when you land flat and can't fathom getting up.

You know those moments. Maybe you are right there today. Things were going fine, but somehow you allowed life to derail you or you tripped. Once again, you have failed. Damn that hurt didn't it? Perhaps you laugh it off. Maybe you get depressed. Most of the time we only do not acknowledge, we just excuse so we can keep some sense of esteem. Rumi's words are for that moment when you get very honest with yourself, and you consider that laying flat in this place just will not do. It is not how you want to finish. You can still see the finish out there ahead. So how will you get there? 

Start with a deep breath and a little glance backward.

I generally don't encourage looking back. It can lead to becoming stuck in what has passed and out of your control. However, when considering beginning your crawl to getting up, you might want to understand what caused the trip down in the first place. Think back to those moments just before you flopped downward. Logically, it was a stressor or a celebratory quirk that distracted you. But more often, it could have been sheer boredom or impatience. 

Or maybe, you're one of those who thinks you don't deserve to be happy?

Or you don't have what it takes actually to achieve that dream?

Or you are more regular that extraordinary?

Take a chance. Dig into the ground with those knuckles. Get up.

Cheers. 

I Am Not What Happened To Me.

Sometimes the past should be abandoned, yes. Life is a journey, and you can’t carry everything with you. Only the usable baggage.” 

~Ha Jin

You’ve probably heard of the fear of missing out but what about the fear of letting go?

Like most everyone you know, I've got some pretty nasty and painful history. Every now and then, some of the residual effects come to my surface, and I have to deal with them directly.  They cause me to act defensively, and usually toward those who I love and who know me the best. As I have struggled with my desire to cling to bad memories and self-defeating behaviors, it has dawned on me that I sometimes I am afraid to let go because defensiveness is a part of my identity.

The problem wasn’t that I had baggage. Everyone has baggage. It becomes a problem when it starts to define you.

But I am not what happened to me. Still, I didn’t know who I would be without some of my past pains. At that point, it hit me: I had to dig deep, discover the person I wanted to be, and then act on it. I had to choose who I wanted to become.

We might be holding on to the past because it seems too important to jettison.

What are some things from your past that weigh you down? Can you take time this week to write them out? Grab a notebook or an iPad and just let the words flow. Don't judge yourself or overthink it. The ones that come harder are most likely the ones you are worried about having to let go of.

There are infinite possibilities for each of us, baggage notwithstanding. 

Everyone has pain. It’s part of what makes us who we are. What defines us, however, is how we handle it.

We all wear the things we’ve survived with some victory, but the real victory is in the choice to transcend them. 

Cheers.

Can You Be Too Hospitable and Supportive?

“We cripple people who are capable of walking because we choose to carry them.”

 ~Christie Williams

Years ago, I had a dear friend who needed a lot of support for various reasons. 

She was working hard to find her way out of a dark period. She had suffered traumas and tragedies and a lot of things I wouldn’t wish on anyone. Her life really did resemble a roller coaster ride. It was heartbreaking to watch her struggle, exciting when things would be on the upswing, and upsetting again when things would spiral downhill.

I am someone who knows and appreciates how important it is to have supportive people around you, offering love and kindness, especially during times of struggle. The support was mostly phone calls, but often it meant dropping what I was doing and driving to meet her to make sure she was okay. There were talks, tears, and through that, hard truths were often revealed.

It wasn’t all dreary. There were sunny times too. Lot’s of French Fries and Ice Cream eaten.

What I got in return wasn’t the same type of support. This person was not the person I would turn to in a crisis, however minor or major. She just couldn’t handle it. But in turn, this friend showed me gratitude and genuine love.

I never thought much about the dynamics of the relationship until I was talking with a good friend who had a tendency always to be the one who made everyone else feel better. Even at her own expense. As she shared how she was afraid of allowing a potential one-way relationship to take off, a found myself saying, “NO! Stop. You don’t always have to be the one who is supportive.”

Do we have an obligation to do our best to the people we care about? Well, yes, to an extent.

Because the reality is, we can be too supportive, and in turn, keeping a person from discovering an important truth of some kind. The truth that they are a good friend, but not an anchor friend. The truth that they are out of control in their lives and you can’t guide them forever. The truth that they are controlling your life instead of controlling theirs.

Because the thing was this: in being so busy with always checking in on them, you forget to check in with yourself.

It may cause a crack in the relationship. It might lead to a massive fault line disruption.

If we are not respecting our time, feelings, and energy, no one else will either.

Cheers.

Open Wound or Ugly Scar: The Choice is Yours.

"The real healing begins when you decide to chose an ugly scar over an open wound."

#joyous perspective

I'm what most people would call 'accident prone'.

I have a tendency to have some cut or bruise on my body at any given moment in time. When I was a kid, I was the one who always had a skinned knee or elbow. I remember my mom threatening to buy me knee and elbow pads to wear to school. Funny, I got so accustomed to having these wounds that they became a focal point for me and turned into a nasty habit. I would sit in class or front of the television and pick at my scabbing wound. Eventually, you guessed it, it would begin to bleed out again, and I'd need a new bandaid. I was finally broken of the habit when I started noticing boys. I didn't want them to see this nasty evidence of my clumsiness.

But unfortunately, the nasty wounds would become an ugly scar sometimes.

My body still carried on it scars from severe falls or accidents from under the age of 10. I don't think they'll ever go away. And you know what? I'm okay with that because each one tells a story. A story that ends in a wound, sometimes even antibiotics, but it's closed up now and just a scar.

We've also got wounds that form unseen in our emotional and mental space, don't we?

Some of them were wielded upon us by people or life events we could not avoid. Others were completely self-induced and perpetuated. Once they are there, we can ignore them, even pick at them once scab forms and induce bleeding all over again. They can become infected, and the once non-physical wound can impact more than our psyche. It will spread to our body and make us ill. Just like teenager Joy, we will have to make the decision that this gaping wound is less desirable than even the ugliest scar. But no one can make us stop picking at it, especially if it obsesses us.

Only we can decide to choose to heal.

That living with a scar is better than any open wound.

Maybe it's time?

Cheers.

Perspective. Yes, it's that big of a deal.

"A Rose has thorns, or thorns have roses. You decide."

~#Joyousperspective

"I had to take you off my Social Media because you were just too optimistic."

I heard this from a really dear friend recently. I totally get their meaning. I often write something in a daily thought or blog and think, "Damn, that's syrupy." I'm sure people read some of what I write and roll their eyes. "Happy, happy joy joy..." Blech.  It's like I replied to my friend, "Yeah, most of the time I wake up feeling pretty good. But usually, about mid-day, I get really crabby. That's when I go back and read what I wrote in the morning. It helps me with my perspective.

If there's one thing that colors our lives and our responses, it's got to be perspective.

Perspective isn't just what you see, it's HOW you chose to see it. Yes, how you chose, not how it is. It is not just seeing the colors of the rainbow, but actually recognizing that you have to have a storm to get a rainbow. And just in case you find yourself wondering, the only reason I can write about 'joy' or a 'joyous perspective' is that I know what it means not to have it. I understand getting up filled with dread about the day ahead. I know what it is like to see the ugliness of the world and wonder how I will encourage those around me to never give up.

Yes,  it is one of the reasons I keep writing, even when I want to quit.

Because even if not one other person reads what I wrote, I will read it. I will have to reach in deep and convince myself that it is not just a bunch of malarky. I remind myself to open my eyes. And my mind. And my heart. 

And actually, see. 

And have a little faith.

Cheers.

Thanks for not killing me... I am stronger.

“That which does not kill us, makes us stronger.”

~Friedrich Nietzsche

Like many others, I go through some traditionally tough days every year.

Most of them are attached to one of the most devastating events of my life - the death of my son, Seth. In addition to the date that he died, I experience a profound sense of somberness around his birthday, and also on events where those who served are recognized, like Memorial Day and Veterans Day. His missing presence is also noticeable to me for every major holiday or significant family event. During these times, I'd say I'm rather like a person whose immunity is low. My skin is a little thinner, and my heart much softer. Tears are just right there at the brim of my eyes, ready to flow. Throughout the last nine years, I've gotten a little better at prepping, not in the sense of expecting or wanting to fall apart, but more like taking a bit more Vitamin C before I travel. I do what I can to build up my immunity because if there's one thing I've come to learn, it's this:

People will continue to live their lives, and you can't expect them to treat you with kid gloves.

I don't wear some sign that says, "My oldest son died on April 14th, so please give me some space." Even the most sensitive of humanity may have the occasion to come to me during these times looking for their need to be served and push a button or two. I get that. Believe me; I've been on the other side plenty of times. Those folks remind me that life goes on, and this event is not at the center of everyone's universe (and nor should it be mine if I intend to live a healthy life). Ah, but then there are those special few. Those who are completely aware of how challenging certain times can be for us but are so wrapped up in their agenda and desires that they discount the importance. They come at you with the same vengeance, regardless of the timing.

And the first few years it would happen to me, it did crush me.

It's easy to waste your precious time trying to figure out what would motivate someone to be cruel. Then more angst feeling guilty about your anger. It helps to remember that some people are just the victims of a condition that can only be cured by therapy. It's best just to choose forgiveness and opt to wish these people well and hope for their healing. Take note that avoiding their path is best for you, especially when you are susceptible to wounds. Perhaps learning this lesson is what has helped me to find a new kind of benefit of this interaction. It's the understated meaning of Nietzsche's quote above.

They didn't kill you, and they helped you to be stronger.

Taking up a shield of understanding vs. absorbing a blow adds a new kind of strength during these challenging times. Oddly, their behavior then makes us stronger. They become a part of an important reminder.

A reminder that you have survived one of the worst days of your life.

And now, you can do more than survive. 

Thrive.

Cheers. 

Memorial Day, From One Who Knows What It Really Means.

"Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it."

~Samuel Clemmons (AKA, Mark Twain)

This is a picture of a young man who has the world by the tail. Who had achieved his dreams.

This is my son, Seth. This picture was taken just weeks before he boarded a plane to go to Germany and begin training for deployment to Iraq. A California boy who loved the water, the sunshine and chillin'. Proudly displaying his Tags. This blog is about why Memorial Day is important to me and others like me, and what I hope you remember to do this next weekend. And it's not to be sad or feel guilty about being happy.

One week from today in the United States, we'll all be doing something because of a holiday.

Monday, May 29. Memorial Day. Since 1971, it's been called an 'official' holiday here in the US. It's one of the few days that most companies close here in the land of consumers. So many of us will have the day to do with what we please. Perhaps you'll be sleeping in. You might have a delicious bbq planned. It's one of those days a lot of things are on Sale: Mattresses? I never get that correlation, but it's a big one. Gardens will be tended to, houses will be painted, and boats will be launched for perhaps the first day of the season. The more fashion sensitive and maybe older of us will bring out their white shoes. 

Yes, it's a day of revelry for many. But for some of us, it's a day when we will hear the song of 'Reveille.' A day we remember those we love who went off one day and didn't come back. Or perhaps they did, but they were never quite the same. 

I have one of those in my life. 

On Monday, I'll make the trek to Danville National Cemetery where I will join many others in remembering men and women like my son, SPC Seth A. Miller. That is where his body rests.  These people all answered a call. For some, it was the government knocking on their door and drafting them into service. It was either go, run, or be jailed. Some went because it was the best choice for them at that point in life. And then there were others, like Seth. Men and women who seemed to be born to be a part of the Military. They loved the way it made then a part of something bigger. Something that stirred that Patriotism that Twain talks about in my quote above. For all of these different kinds of soldiers, the aspect of War was probably not their hope and dream. It was a necessary evil and one that ultimately might have changed them forever. No matter if they died in service or long after.

Going to a cemetery to remember your child is never simple.

I'm painfully aware of many parents who carry the burden of visiting your child's grave. It's an act that cannot be explained by my simple attempts in words. But for me, there is something about going to visit Seth's grave in Danville that somehow removes a bit of the sting. You see, unlike countless other parents, I know without a doubt that my boy was doing exactly what he wanted to be doing the day he died. He was right were he wanted to be, and having the time of his life. He certainly had issues with the War, as most of those who serve do. But he wanted to be a part of ending it if at all possible. And that is the way Seth lived. He lived to end conflict, and usually by a show of his force. He lived a BIG life. And next Monday, while I am standing in the cemetery, I will remember not how and why Seth died, but rather, how and why HE LIVED. 

That's why I love that picture above vs. the many I have of him in uniform. Don't get me wrong, those also make me proud. But this one makes me happy. And that's why I want you to do something for me this next weekend.

Please, go and enjoy a beautiful day.

Sleep in. Eat an enormous calorie-laden breakfast followed by a feast around a BBQ with your favorite people, because no one could eat like my boy. If you enjoy beer, drink a large German one for my boy. Get in the pool, the lake, the ocean, the river - because he would be in one if he were here today. Go spend your hard earned money on something you need that you can get a helluva deal on because Lord knows Seth could spend money. And, if while you are doing these things, it comes to your mind, smile and be thankful for those who will be honored in Cemeteries across America today. And better yet, take a moment to thank a Veteran, and perhaps remember that they too carry the wounds of War and service. 

Let nothing stand in the way of your fun. 

Because Seth never did. 

And that fun and freedom don't come for free. 

Cheers. 

Unstuck Yourself: Grow something...

"A garden requires patient labor and attention. Plants do not grow merely to satisfy ambitions or to fulfill good intentions. They thrive because someone expended effort on them."

— Liberty Hyde Bailey

There's nothing like the thud one can feel as you drop back into life after vacation.

You try to prepare for a soft landing, but much like the jarring sensation you felt as the wheels touched down on the tarmac, you are reminded that you are human. And therefore, you must face the reality that you play, you pay...

So, after a view of my over 100 emails and load of catch up, I felt a little stuck.

Stuck like I was the first time a cousin tricked me into stepping in a deep puddle of wet cow manure. I could not seem to lift my feet to get going in any direction. Not just overwhelmed, but apathetic too. Sigh. How in the world does one get out of this situation?

How about taking off your shoes and stepping into some new ones?

I did it, and you can too, with a simple act of stepping out of those weighed down pumps. Leave them in the sludge and go find your favorite footwear for doing what you love most. What is it you think about doing when you daydream? What is on your feet while you're doing it? It might be hiking boots, or perhaps running shoes or flip flops. For me, it's my pair of gardening clogs. It's like the magic of Dorothy putting on those ruby slippers.  You're whisked away back to where you belong.

You get back to your roots, what inspires you and grows you.

And suddenly, there's no place like home.

Your head gets cleared and work gets done.

Go grow something.

Cheers. 

Don't miss the message in hysteria.

“If you’re hysterical, it’s historical.”

 ~Anonymous

I lost an earring last night.

It was a favorite, and I’d actually lost and found it before. This time, however, with the day I had experienced, I knew it was now gone forever. Instead of sighing and moving on, tears formed and my voice shook as I told my son and daughter in law. They both looked concerned. You see, they know me, and I don’t cry over stuff that quickly. Especially not stuff (or baseball). “I’m sorry, I’ve had a hard day,” I said as I went upstairs to recover.

I’m not going to sugarcoat this. Left the room and balled like my 2-year-old grandson.

I called my dear soulmate, Chris, to help me get perspective. He was naturally concerned. “I’ll buy you another damned pair...What is really going on?” he asked. It was at that moment that I realized there was a lot going on, and I wasn’t facing it.

It was not the here, and now, it was historical.

I don’t like losing things because it reminds me of some of the more profound things I’ve lost in my life. Things that can never be replaced. Things that can never be changed by my husband or any other loved one. Things that unlike my earring, I will never forget. I grow hysterical with fear.

Perhaps it was time to get more real about my historical reaction to loss.

I’ve always assumed my response to loss is greater than the general population’s, but over time, I know that there are different types of loss. Some are more subtle than others but just as heavy. We have a tendency to gravitate toward those who share our particular type of loss, but perhaps we should stop separating and categorizing our differences.

Instead, we can congeal around our understanding.

And like my husband’s straightforward words to me, find out what’s really going on.

Under the hysteria.

Cheers.

Less doesn't always mean nothing.

"Get clear on what matters by getting rid of everything that doesn't." 

~Unknown

What stops you from doing that thing?

You know, THAT thing. That dream that nags you. That project that you feel is perfect for ____ and needs to happen. That start on the goal you know is important to your life satisfaction. Is it too many responsibilities, or not enough resources or maybe it just makes your head spin to consider it? Put whatever came to your mind in a physical form. What does it look like?

I bet it resembles a large pile of something...

A large structure, and it seems immovable. Oh boy, the phone calls, and research and time... And time... And what if you do all of that, and you find out it's really more like a Mountain than a pile? It is in this shadow of the pile that you find a murky vision of what you see. Murky isn't what you need my friend. You need clarity. A clear view of what it is that is preventing you from doing it. And then taking it apart, or just tossing it aside. Because there are more unneeded things in that pile than there are significant ones. How do I know? I've been there, and I've sat in the middle of those piles.

You think you don't you have enough to accomplish it.

But having less of whatever it is you need to get started and get clarity does not equal having nothing. Stop saying you don't have what is necessary. Just stop doing all the things that you don't need to do in order to get 'it' done,  The truth is you have SOMETHING, even if it's only the idea and the will. What can you do with your little old something? Use it to find the other little bits of things you need to do more? 

You don't need more to do more.

You need to do more with less.

Accept the less, because it's far from nothing.

Cheers.

Perspective REALLY is EVERYTHING

It's all about how

: ):

You look at things...

I haven't always been a sunny personality.

I remember a friend introducing me to Norman Vincent Peale when I was pretty young. I thought the whole premise of the Power of Positive Thinking as an excellent way to make a buck on the adage, "Fake it until you make it."  It also seemed pretty easy to me for these people to walk around with a happy attitude when they were already doing well. But I was carrying a significant amount of responsibility for one so young, and there didn't seem to be anyone around to help me with my burdens. I spent many days feeling trapped and overwhelmed, wondering if I would ever find a way to achieve some of the dreams that were inside my head and heart. 

Then one day, I hit a glass door full force.

I came barreling around a corner, and I could see my friends sitting in the room ahead. It never occurred to me that there was a door there. I didn't see my reflection even until it was too late. My face smashed against the glass, and I fell backward onto the concrete. My friends, in shock at first, came running out and then they were laughing. I lay there on the ground, dazed and confused, and realized what had just happened. Now I began to laugh too, as I imagined what they must have seen from their perspective. It was pretty hilarious.

I didn't stop to drink in any consoling or pity, I just went in and got an ice pack.

You see, the cut on my swollen nose would heal, but I would carry the lesson from that injury for a very long time. Perspective was everything in this event. 

1) I didn't see the door because I was looking past it. How many times do we make mistakes, hit a wall because we don't slow down and consider what might be ahead?

2) My friends could see my impending collision, but they were powerless to stop it. We can't always prevent people from making mistakes. We can only be there to help pick up the pieces if necessary.

3) Instead of focusing on the painful aftermath, I joined my friends in laughter. If possible, bring laughter to others when you see them make a mistake or hit a wall. Laughter will help them change their perspective and see the good parts of what just happened versus staying stuck on the ground.

There's a duality in most things that surround us.

The physical world and what we see and feel is not all there is. There is a world of spirit and purpose underneath it, and no matter what it looks like on the outside, there is much more going on beneath the circumstances we perceive as negative. 

If I can remember that and tap into the deeper meaning behind what I am experiencing, then I can accept what I am going through with greater ease. Even hitting a glass door.

You have a choice in every perspective you take. 

Choose wisely. It really is everything.

Cheers.

Don't Hold on to Words That Need to Be Said.

"Nothing haunts us like the things we don't say."

~Mitch Albom

The scene was almost more than I could stomach.

I was watching a television series that I had become semi-addicted to. I was doing the 'catch up' thing so I would bulk or clip watch as I could between other more important parts of life. The segment was focused mostly on the death of a main character's mother. Well, she was not much of a mother, other than to give birth to her and her five siblings. The segment depicted how much the character struggled with having any grief or remorse over the woman's untimely death. The Funeral Director, making the reasonable assumption that there was grieving which needed to happen, allowed the character time alone with her dead mother's embalmed body. I don't know what I expected, but I didn't expect what happened next.

There was an incredibly cathartic experience.

It was full of angry words, cursing, and tears. The young woman said A LOT, apparently full of years worth of messages left unsaid. And then, to my shock, she began to physically pound on the dead body. It was pretty raw. My completely caught off guard reaction led to deep gulping followed by sobbing. How sad that someone could hold on to so much emotion and never put it to words until it was too late?

But perhaps it wasn't too late?

It might have been too late for the dead woman to hear, but clearly, it provided a lot to the living daughter. So in that way, it wasn't too late, because it finally got said. I thought of Mitch Albom's quote, and it reminded me that it is haunting to have words within you that need to be said. They gnaw at your brain and stick in your throat. As long as you are living, they will remain, until they are put out there in some form.

And I remembered a good tactic I was taught by an excellent counselor.

I'd heard about it before, but it always sounded so silly to me. How could it ever really help? The exercise was to write a letter, either to the person or about thoughts that are haunting your mind. Don't worry about grammar, spelling or finding the right word - just write it out. A virtual parade of words poured out on paper or screen. I always wondered, why not just say the words out loud or to the person you are addressing? But think about it. When you are talking directly to someone, you can't control what they say or how they act. But when you are alone and writing, it is entirely in your control. Then, you either burn the paper or shred it. The act of destruction is the visual act of truly letting it go.

Without having to pound on anyone's dead or alive body.

And you can experience the freedom of no longer being haunted. 

Think of it as an exorcism of sorts.

One step further: Mail pieces of it to the person intended, with a note that is just signed "I'm Okay."

Cheers.