Go ahead. Be happy. It's okay.

"Happiness can be achieved once we know all we can, and accept all we can't."

~Kate Miller

I remember the day that happiness stopped me in my tracks...

It had been about 3 years since Seth's death, and I was driving along in my new Jeep. I remember thinking that he would have loved this car. He always loved Jeeps, and especially the Grand Cherokee. The song, 'Free Bird' by Lynard Skynard came on the radio, and for the first time in a long time, I belted out the word right along with Ronnie. My heart was light, my spirit felt high - I was really happy. And then, I got to the line:

"If I stay here with you girl

Things just couldn't be the same

'Cause I'm as free as a bird now

And this bird you cannot change..."

I gulped. I could not change Seth dying, and I actually felt happy at the same time...

How did I get here? I stopped singing and crushed back the tears of joy falling from my face. Could it be that after 3 years, I had finally begun to accept his death and that he would not be coming back? Yes, I knew all about the 'stages of grief,' starting with denial and finally coming to acceptance. For me, they had been rather cyclical, and I questioned whether acceptance when dealing with such a horrible loss could ever really be.

And yet, here I was. Happy, and accepting.

The moments of happiness did try and push themselves into my life before that day. Playing with Seth's little boy made me smile. Seeing his brother Jeremy marry the woman of his dreams gave me a lift of joy. Ah, but soon after, these moments would be met with a slight feeling of guilt and the swallowing of a jagged little pill. How could I be happy when my son had died? How? I asked myself this over and over and over...

But the key is, I never stopped asking.

I held on to the question and sought out its answer with a relentless passion.  I now know that this a big part of getting to acceptance and happy again. You can't stop asking how you can be happy again. You can't give up and settle for a non-answer.

Settle for not feeling guilty for smiling again.

Settle for not ever singing in your car again.

And when you feel it again, you can be okay with that.

Cheers.