Don't Hold on to Words That Need to Be Said.

"Nothing haunts us like the things we don't say."

~Mitch Albom

The scene was almost more than I could stomach.

I was watching a television series that I had become semi-addicted to. I was doing the 'catch up' thing so I would bulk or clip watch as I could between other more important parts of life. The segment was focused mostly on the death of a main character's mother. Well, she was not much of a mother, other than to give birth to her and her five siblings. The segment depicted how much the character struggled with having any grief or remorse over the woman's untimely death. The Funeral Director, making the reasonable assumption that there was grieving which needed to happen, allowed the character time alone with her dead mother's embalmed body. I don't know what I expected, but I didn't expect what happened next.

There was an incredibly cathartic experience.

It was full of angry words, cursing, and tears. The young woman said A LOT, apparently full of years worth of messages left unsaid. And then, to my shock, she began to physically pound on the dead body. It was pretty raw. My completely caught off guard reaction led to deep gulping followed by sobbing. How sad that someone could hold on to so much emotion and never put it to words until it was too late?

But perhaps it wasn't too late?

It might have been too late for the dead woman to hear, but clearly, it provided a lot to the living daughter. So in that way, it wasn't too late, because it finally got said. I thought of Mitch Albom's quote, and it reminded me that it is haunting to have words within you that need to be said. They gnaw at your brain and stick in your throat. As long as you are living, they will remain, until they are put out there in some form.

And I remembered a good tactic I was taught by an excellent counselor.

I'd heard about it before, but it always sounded so silly to me. How could it ever really help? The exercise was to write a letter, either to the person or about thoughts that are haunting your mind. Don't worry about grammar, spelling or finding the right word - just write it out. A virtual parade of words poured out on paper or screen. I always wondered, why not just say the words out loud or to the person you are addressing? But think about it. When you are talking directly to someone, you can't control what they say or how they act. But when you are alone and writing, it is entirely in your control. Then, you either burn the paper or shred it. The act of destruction is the visual act of truly letting it go.

Without having to pound on anyone's dead or alive body.

And you can experience the freedom of no longer being haunted. 

Think of it as an exorcism of sorts.

One step further: Mail pieces of it to the person intended, with a note that is just signed "I'm Okay."

Cheers.

Time to Leave the Circus...

Don't be upset at people who are clowns.

Just stop being a part of their circus...

I wrote this today after a bit of a restless night.

I went to bed with a conversation I had with a close friend heavy on my heart. It wasn't that what they shared impacted me directly so much or caused me to feel unease about a response. The issue was how they were being impacted, and how much angst they were experiencing as they tried to sort through a solution. I wanted so badly to be able to take their burden from them. But as we talked, I knew more and more that this would be impossible. Acting for them in response to the issue would only put off the inevitable. 

The people she was being pursued by needed to find their own way.

My friend was now advancing in age and responsibility, and so were those who insisted on making sure my friend was acutely aware of their needs. While there had always seemingly been a way to provide help with some controls, it was now well out of control. As my beginning statement says, my friend was a standard part of their circus. But my friend is not a clown, and she doesn't even like clowns. In fact, she's done all she can to not be a clown and done a fantastic job of it. But how do you help a person who is being taunted break the cycle and walk away from the circus?

It's harder to do than it sounds. Because they have a contract on their head called 'guilt by association'.

I don't find it surprising when grown ups continue to expect everyone to take care of them when they put themselves in crisis again... and again. And when they refuse to take responsibility for where they are, that also seems to align with the first behavior.  When you are the kind of grown-up who wants to remain just childlike enough to need parental units your entire life, it becomes a perpetual cycle that is tough to break. These people seek out targets that they appear to keep in tow like reference books in a library. They try to be careful not to overuse any one, not to damage it beyond repair. But eventually, they use up most of the ones that have no emotional ties, and so they are left with those who they are bonded to. Either by blood, or by experiences, or some obligatory memory. And they use this tie, like a noose, pulling at it relentlessly.

Cutting off the noose isn't cutting off the relationship. It's correcting its course.

You can still know the clowns and even stay in touch. But you don't have to be a party to their circus. 

Slip off the noose and tear up your season pass ticket.

They will find another audience... Or take off that silly makeup. 

Cheers. 

Absence does make the heart grow fonder.

"Love is a symbol of eternity. It wipes out all sense of time, destroying all memory 

of a beginning and all fear of an end."

 ~Author Unknown

My dear husband is fond of reminding me that Valentine's Day is a 'made up' holiday, and the greeting card industry was behind the whole thing.  I know he's right, but it still is nice to have yet another excuse to celebrate love and all the joy's it can bring.

And this week, as he is out of town on business, I remember why I love him so much.

His presence makes my life fuller and more purposeful. Not that we own each other's lives, although I call him 'mine.'  It's a bit strange that we Americans start our youngsters out in pre-school with the practice of bringing Valentine Cards for the whole class, all of which proclaim something about being "mine."

That proclamation of possession seems to go contrary to the real meaning of love 

You know, that we read about in the Good Book: "Love does not demand its way..." And I can't always have him right here with me nor can he demand the same for me.

Perhaps I've just stumbled upon a real source of trouble in our culture and the way we form loving relationships.  We don't take people hostage in love, we join with them, each remaining unique in the blending. Independent in the building, but growing together.

The blending of our lives in love.

Each of us bringing a group of people to the union, and a different viewpoint on life.  Has being in love with Chris changed me?  Oh my yes.  And I think I've changed him (just a little) too.  But we remain loyal to our fundamental beliefs and personages. And those little idiosyncrasies are what I miss most when he's not with me. I like that we blend and don't try to break each other.

So I'll endure some absences and allow them to grow my fondness for his presences.

Cheers.

Just because you can doesn't mean you should...

“Some people thrive on dramatic change. Some people prefer the slow and steady route. 

Do what’s right for you.”

 ~Julie Morgenstern

Admit it. Sometimes, you feel like something’s missing from your life.

You see people who have transformed their lives, given up their day jobs, and moved to exotic lands. People who have created a new life and found whatever was missing from their previous humdrum existences. But you don’t hate your life. You’re okay with a little humdrum. You like your responsibilities, your partner, kids, house, or job. The thought of the life you have stretching out in front of you isn’t awful.

But still.

But you wonder, how can you enhance and love the life you have rather than start a new one?

Just because you can doesn't mean you should...

History is fraught with humans who allowed a little discontent to sway them into making a sweeping change which ended in a huge mistake. Chances are, your slight boredom and discomfort are only signs that you need to make a few minor modifications from a place of content. Building from what you have vs. chucking it all for what you only imagine.

Try this instead: Clear space and pause.  Reflect and tweak.

Sometimes, to see what would best serve us, we need some clear space in our lives. Make time when we aren’t busy doing anything other than daydreaming and letting our minds wander. These days, we tend to be uncomfortable with the threat of boredom, and when we’re left on our own for a few minutes, we’re quick to pick up our smartphones to fill the time.

This week, use the spaces when you’d usually fill your time with your device, and just pause. Muse and dream about where in your life a little change or adventure would help you move forward and make your life happier. How well do you know yourself? Could you clearly state your likes and dislikes, fears and desires, or what your values are?

At the end of the week, you should have up to 100 things you do and don’t like (repetition is just fine). Reflect on the themes or things that came up a lot, and see where you can tweak your life to decrease or increase the presence of dislikes and likes in your current life.

It’s Okay to Live—and Love—the Life You Have.

I support the fact that you need to create a life that’s right for you. One that brings you joy and makes you shine a little brighter in the world.

It doesn’t have to mean leaving your current life behind. Your home, job, or relationships, and moving to a far and distant land.

You can bring a little adventure into your life quickly if you start just where you are.

Incremental change, not exponential change, might be exactly what you need.

Think about it before you act out about it.

Cheers.

Go ahead. Be happy. It's okay.

"Happiness can be achieved once we know all we can, and accept all we can't."

~Kate Miller

I remember the day that happiness stopped me in my tracks...

It had been about 3 years since Seth's death, and I was driving along in my new Jeep. I remember thinking that he would have loved this car. He always loved Jeeps, and especially the Grand Cherokee. The song, 'Free Bird' by Lynard Skynard came on the radio, and for the first time in a long time, I belted out the word right along with Ronnie. My heart was light, my spirit felt high - I was really happy. And then, I got to the line:

"If I stay here with you girl

Things just couldn't be the same

'Cause I'm as free as a bird now

And this bird you cannot change..."

I gulped. I could not change Seth dying, and I actually felt happy at the same time...

How did I get here? I stopped singing and crushed back the tears of joy falling from my face. Could it be that after 3 years, I had finally begun to accept his death and that he would not be coming back? Yes, I knew all about the 'stages of grief,' starting with denial and finally coming to acceptance. For me, they had been rather cyclical, and I questioned whether acceptance when dealing with such a horrible loss could ever really be.

And yet, here I was. Happy, and accepting.

The moments of happiness did try and push themselves into my life before that day. Playing with Seth's little boy made me smile. Seeing his brother Jeremy marry the woman of his dreams gave me a lift of joy. Ah, but soon after, these moments would be met with a slight feeling of guilt and the swallowing of a jagged little pill. How could I be happy when my son had died? How? I asked myself this over and over and over...

But the key is, I never stopped asking.

I held on to the question and sought out its answer with a relentless passion.  I now know that this a big part of getting to acceptance and happy again. You can't stop asking how you can be happy again. You can't give up and settle for a non-answer.

Settle for not feeling guilty for smiling again.

Settle for not ever singing in your car again.

And when you feel it again, you can be okay with that.

Cheers.

In Grief, we have to go through the alphabet...

“I am not a product of my circumstances. I am a product of my decisions.” 

~Stephen Covey

Grief. It changes you in ways you never imagined.

Before my loss, I was me. Today I am somebody else. When it happened, I felt like a child protesting sleep before nap time. I don’t wanna, I don’t wanna, I don’t wanna.

Maybe it wasn’t real. If I didn’t look at it, it might go away.

Except it wouldn’t.

When faced with grief, we are not prepared for the devastation. I don’t know if the advanced warning would help, but something about the unexpectedness feels like even more of injustice, no matter if we see it coming or not.

When I lost my oldest son, my life was ripped in half, and I felt a total loss of control of body and mind. I didn’t recognize myself. My brain felt like it was floating away and I couldn’t remember details.

I couldn’t sleep or eat.

But the pain I will never forget. A deep, searing kind that transcended anything physical.

I questioned my skills and capability. The grief made me forgetful, emotional, angry, sad, empty, and scared.

I frequently questioned my reality. I wondered if everything was always just a mirage in my head. Perhaps I was never married. It had to be a dream, or maybe a cruel trick, and now the rug was pulled out from beneath my feet.

In the days after my son passed away, his twin was walking sadly around the house. I knew in my gut what choice I had to make. For her. For me. For all of us.

On a whim I grabbed a pen and paper and scribbled this down:

We have two choices: 1) Lay down and crumble, or 2) Get up, do great things, and make Seth proud.

I circled the second option.

I knew I had to channel everything inside of me to convey to her and Seth's other siblings that we would be okay, even if I wasn’t convinced of it myself. I knew I had to lead.

We didn’t choose this path.

But this was our life now, and we still have a lot of good years left to live.

Nobody prepares us for the sludge in life, but this is precisely what being human is about: the good, the bad, the painful, the happy, the sad, the everything-in-between.

We can choose to sit down and surrender to our current circumstances, or we can get up, dust ourselves off, hold our heads up high and move forward.

It will hurt.

We’ll feel wobbly at first.

But we can do it. We are capable. We are strong. We still have a lot of love inside of our hearts to do great things.

The only other option was not an option for us.

People often say that good things can happen out of the bad. I’m here to tell you that it is true.

In the horror of it all, buried in the pain and the raw emotion, there was something magical and enlightening about loss. It exposed a side of life that I never previously experienced. It’s a strange, curious feeling that shocks you to the core and simultaneously makes you realize that there is still so much more to learn and discover about life. It can’t be over yet.

Your perspective will change. Everything about your thinking will forever change.

This is good and bad.

When life doesn’t go as planned, we must hold on to the knowledge and hope that we still have choices and that we are strong enough to make them.

There is always Plan B.

Plan C.

Plan D.

Keep going to Z if you must.

Cheers.

When toleration isn't a two-way street...

“The final proof of greatness lies in being about to endure criticism without resentment.” 

~Elbert Hubbard

Good old Social Media sure allows the real feelings of some to come out...

I had worked with a person for nearly 4 years, and yet I didn't realize how little he could tolerate me. Sure, I knew we had some political disagreements, and we were certainly both quite opinionated, but I felt okay about being sincere and sharing openly when in discussions. Then one day, during the past horrid political cycle, I 'shared' something about one of the candidates on my 'wall.' I didn't think it was snarky or degrading, just a small few sentences about how I felt about one of their 'stands' on one of my 'issues.' I had to gulp hard at the response I received from this person. Although relatively quiet and unassuming, they let go a deluge of personal insults about my character, my intelligence and my lack of thought. It was pretty brutal.

And what hurt the most, was that I had always tried to be tolerant of differing thought and opinion.

Does this sound familiar? I know many of us have been on this street we consider being a two-way one: Tolerance. But it's not so...

The people who love you will support you and sing your praises. They will defend you in the sight of defamation, be there to toast your victories and wipe your tears during your defeats.

And just when you really begin to shine, you hear it on the wind: someone has a problem with the way you look, the way you sing, dance, or flip veggie burgers - or what you think. Maybe he or she even has a problem with the way you express yourself, like my 'Facebook' friend.

Our society calls them “haters.” I detest that label.  Labeling these individuals as one-dimensional blots of hatred isn’t really the answer. That can't sum up a person. After all, some of them may even be good people who just happen to be succumbing to the twinge of the ego.

Here is where some of you are probably thinking, “that’s not my problem.” It's theirs!

My answer to this is simple. It will be your problem if you let it be. And for many years, I have let it be my problem. The Facebook bomb thrower wasn’t the only instance, and I burdened myself with what I did to deserve such negative feedback.

Why didn’t these people like me? What could I do to stop them from 'unfriending' me? After some consideration, I realized this fact:

If you zero in on the negativity of these people when they are in the throes of their negative spin, you will be anchoring yourself to their personal baggage and participating in their internal struggle.

In essence, you will be making their problem, your problem.

But to rise above the darkness is a little harsh. Many times, it will seem that these people will do anything and everything to make you feel bad about yourself. In fact, you have to be a pretty secure person to be able to withstand any onslaught that is less than warm and fuzzy. I actually just encountered this person at a dinner, and they remained aloof and distant. It was weird, but I didn't let it ruin my fun or interactions with others.

So how does one move forward in the face of ugliness?

For me, it took a flip of perspective to a more joyous one.

I had to toughen up and see that people who throw online bombs in your face when you’ve done nothing wrong are a part of our life’s transformative process. They are there to teach us, not to tear us, even if that's not their intent.

I'll tell you more in Friday's Thought Tale.

Cheers.