Just because you can doesn't mean you should...

“Some people thrive on dramatic change. Some people prefer the slow and steady route. 

Do what’s right for you.”

 ~Julie Morgenstern

Admit it. Sometimes, you feel like something’s missing from your life.

You see people who have transformed their lives, given up their day jobs, and moved to exotic lands. People who have created a new life and found whatever was missing from their previous humdrum existences. But you don’t hate your life. You’re okay with a little humdrum. You like your responsibilities, your partner, kids, house, or job. The thought of the life you have stretching out in front of you isn’t awful.

But still.

But you wonder, how can you enhance and love the life you have rather than start a new one?

Just because you can doesn't mean you should...

History is fraught with humans who allowed a little discontent to sway them into making a sweeping change which ended in a huge mistake. Chances are, your slight boredom and discomfort are only signs that you need to make a few minor modifications from a place of content. Building from what you have vs. chucking it all for what you only imagine.

Try this instead: Clear space and pause.  Reflect and tweak.

Sometimes, to see what would best serve us, we need some clear space in our lives. Make time when we aren’t busy doing anything other than daydreaming and letting our minds wander. These days, we tend to be uncomfortable with the threat of boredom, and when we’re left on our own for a few minutes, we’re quick to pick up our smartphones to fill the time.

This week, use the spaces when you’d usually fill your time with your device, and just pause. Muse and dream about where in your life a little change or adventure would help you move forward and make your life happier. How well do you know yourself? Could you clearly state your likes and dislikes, fears and desires, or what your values are?

At the end of the week, you should have up to 100 things you do and don’t like (repetition is just fine). Reflect on the themes or things that came up a lot, and see where you can tweak your life to decrease or increase the presence of dislikes and likes in your current life.

It’s Okay to Live—and Love—the Life You Have.

I support the fact that you need to create a life that’s right for you. One that brings you joy and makes you shine a little brighter in the world.

It doesn’t have to mean leaving your current life behind. Your home, job, or relationships, and moving to a far and distant land.

You can bring a little adventure into your life quickly if you start just where you are.

Incremental change, not exponential change, might be exactly what you need.

Think about it before you act out about it.

Cheers.

Go ahead. Be happy. It's okay.

"Happiness can be achieved once we know all we can, and accept all we can't."

~Kate Miller

I remember the day that happiness stopped me in my tracks...

It had been about 3 years since Seth's death, and I was driving along in my new Jeep. I remember thinking that he would have loved this car. He always loved Jeeps, and especially the Grand Cherokee. The song, 'Free Bird' by Lynard Skynard came on the radio, and for the first time in a long time, I belted out the word right along with Ronnie. My heart was light, my spirit felt high - I was really happy. And then, I got to the line:

"If I stay here with you girl

Things just couldn't be the same

'Cause I'm as free as a bird now

And this bird you cannot change..."

I gulped. I could not change Seth dying, and I actually felt happy at the same time...

How did I get here? I stopped singing and crushed back the tears of joy falling from my face. Could it be that after 3 years, I had finally begun to accept his death and that he would not be coming back? Yes, I knew all about the 'stages of grief,' starting with denial and finally coming to acceptance. For me, they had been rather cyclical, and I questioned whether acceptance when dealing with such a horrible loss could ever really be.

And yet, here I was. Happy, and accepting.

The moments of happiness did try and push themselves into my life before that day. Playing with Seth's little boy made me smile. Seeing his brother Jeremy marry the woman of his dreams gave me a lift of joy. Ah, but soon after, these moments would be met with a slight feeling of guilt and the swallowing of a jagged little pill. How could I be happy when my son had died? How? I asked myself this over and over and over...

But the key is, I never stopped asking.

I held on to the question and sought out its answer with a relentless passion.  I now know that this a big part of getting to acceptance and happy again. You can't stop asking how you can be happy again. You can't give up and settle for a non-answer.

Settle for not feeling guilty for smiling again.

Settle for not ever singing in your car again.

And when you feel it again, you can be okay with that.

Cheers.

In Grief, we have to go through the alphabet...

“I am not a product of my circumstances. I am a product of my decisions.” 

~Stephen Covey

Grief. It changes you in ways you never imagined.

Before my loss, I was me. Today I am somebody else. When it happened, I felt like a child protesting sleep before nap time. I don’t wanna, I don’t wanna, I don’t wanna.

Maybe it wasn’t real. If I didn’t look at it, it might go away.

Except it wouldn’t.

When faced with grief, we are not prepared for the devastation. I don’t know if the advanced warning would help, but something about the unexpectedness feels like even more of injustice, no matter if we see it coming or not.

When I lost my oldest son, my life was ripped in half, and I felt a total loss of control of body and mind. I didn’t recognize myself. My brain felt like it was floating away and I couldn’t remember details.

I couldn’t sleep or eat.

But the pain I will never forget. A deep, searing kind that transcended anything physical.

I questioned my skills and capability. The grief made me forgetful, emotional, angry, sad, empty, and scared.

I frequently questioned my reality. I wondered if everything was always just a mirage in my head. Perhaps I was never married. It had to be a dream, or maybe a cruel trick, and now the rug was pulled out from beneath my feet.

In the days after my son passed away, his twin was walking sadly around the house. I knew in my gut what choice I had to make. For her. For me. For all of us.

On a whim I grabbed a pen and paper and scribbled this down:

We have two choices: 1) Lay down and crumble, or 2) Get up, do great things, and make Seth proud.

I circled the second option.

I knew I had to channel everything inside of me to convey to her and Seth's other siblings that we would be okay, even if I wasn’t convinced of it myself. I knew I had to lead.

We didn’t choose this path.

But this was our life now, and we still have a lot of good years left to live.

Nobody prepares us for the sludge in life, but this is precisely what being human is about: the good, the bad, the painful, the happy, the sad, the everything-in-between.

We can choose to sit down and surrender to our current circumstances, or we can get up, dust ourselves off, hold our heads up high and move forward.

It will hurt.

We’ll feel wobbly at first.

But we can do it. We are capable. We are strong. We still have a lot of love inside of our hearts to do great things.

The only other option was not an option for us.

People often say that good things can happen out of the bad. I’m here to tell you that it is true.

In the horror of it all, buried in the pain and the raw emotion, there was something magical and enlightening about loss. It exposed a side of life that I never previously experienced. It’s a strange, curious feeling that shocks you to the core and simultaneously makes you realize that there is still so much more to learn and discover about life. It can’t be over yet.

Your perspective will change. Everything about your thinking will forever change.

This is good and bad.

When life doesn’t go as planned, we must hold on to the knowledge and hope that we still have choices and that we are strong enough to make them.

There is always Plan B.

Plan C.

Plan D.

Keep going to Z if you must.

Cheers.

When toleration isn't a two-way street...

“The final proof of greatness lies in being about to endure criticism without resentment.” 

~Elbert Hubbard

Good old Social Media sure allows the real feelings of some to come out...

I had worked with a person for nearly 4 years, and yet I didn't realize how little he could tolerate me. Sure, I knew we had some political disagreements, and we were certainly both quite opinionated, but I felt okay about being sincere and sharing openly when in discussions. Then one day, during the past horrid political cycle, I 'shared' something about one of the candidates on my 'wall.' I didn't think it was snarky or degrading, just a small few sentences about how I felt about one of their 'stands' on one of my 'issues.' I had to gulp hard at the response I received from this person. Although relatively quiet and unassuming, they let go a deluge of personal insults about my character, my intelligence and my lack of thought. It was pretty brutal.

And what hurt the most, was that I had always tried to be tolerant of differing thought and opinion.

Does this sound familiar? I know many of us have been on this street we consider being a two-way one: Tolerance. But it's not so...

The people who love you will support you and sing your praises. They will defend you in the sight of defamation, be there to toast your victories and wipe your tears during your defeats.

And just when you really begin to shine, you hear it on the wind: someone has a problem with the way you look, the way you sing, dance, or flip veggie burgers - or what you think. Maybe he or she even has a problem with the way you express yourself, like my 'Facebook' friend.

Our society calls them “haters.” I detest that label.  Labeling these individuals as one-dimensional blots of hatred isn’t really the answer. That can't sum up a person. After all, some of them may even be good people who just happen to be succumbing to the twinge of the ego.

Here is where some of you are probably thinking, “that’s not my problem.” It's theirs!

My answer to this is simple. It will be your problem if you let it be. And for many years, I have let it be my problem. The Facebook bomb thrower wasn’t the only instance, and I burdened myself with what I did to deserve such negative feedback.

Why didn’t these people like me? What could I do to stop them from 'unfriending' me? After some consideration, I realized this fact:

If you zero in on the negativity of these people when they are in the throes of their negative spin, you will be anchoring yourself to their personal baggage and participating in their internal struggle.

In essence, you will be making their problem, your problem.

But to rise above the darkness is a little harsh. Many times, it will seem that these people will do anything and everything to make you feel bad about yourself. In fact, you have to be a pretty secure person to be able to withstand any onslaught that is less than warm and fuzzy. I actually just encountered this person at a dinner, and they remained aloof and distant. It was weird, but I didn't let it ruin my fun or interactions with others.

So how does one move forward in the face of ugliness?

For me, it took a flip of perspective to a more joyous one.

I had to toughen up and see that people who throw online bombs in your face when you’ve done nothing wrong are a part of our life’s transformative process. They are there to teach us, not to tear us, even if that's not their intent.

I'll tell you more in Friday's Thought Tale.

Cheers.

It's a heartache - When someone you love is broken.

"Unfortunately, addicts don't respond to reason or rationality."

~Jane Velez-Mitchell

"There are just some things you can't love out of a person."

These were the words of my dear late Mother-In-Law Cathy. She said them to me as we discussed a commonly loved one who found themselves in a life and death battle with addiction. As mothers, we both understood the natural assumption of just conveying over and over how important and loved the person was would be enough. Surely they would find our divine and beautiful love a preferred serotonin producer over whatever they were currently choosing. Right? No, unfortunately, always wrong.

And unlike when they wouldn't eat their spinach, we didn't have a better treat to offer.

Another way we guide our loved ones to the right choice is to provide them with a reinforcer for good behavior. I recall my parents being famous for saying, "Just lose 20 lbs., and we'll go shopping." All the new clothes in the world didn't feel better to me than a giant hot fudge sundae from Baskin Robbins. But we still try and try to find that better offering don't we? Lying awake at night just trying to imagine what will entice them to give up the demon that has taken hold of their soul. But as the quote above states, 

"Unfortunately, addicts don't respond to reason or rationality."

And perhaps, they will finally land themselves in a hospital, jail or just unable to get out of bed.

We then imagine we might be able to nurse it out of them. Bind up the wound with the right medicine, be it pharmaceutical, herbal or just TLC. Maybe if they see our love in 'action' they will want to get on board and have the desire to be healed? But all we become is a way to continue to avoid taking responsibility for their own actions that brought them to this place. The more we twist ourselves into various shapes to offer help, the more they point out that we are just not quite enough...

And it's a heartache beyond imagination. One that comes from sacrificial love. But our love isn't all they need. 

They need to love themselves enough to stop poisoning their body and mind.

We can demonstrate that through self-care. Self-love. Self respect.

For ourselves first. 

Cheers.

Where will your resolve come from? Love or Fear?

“Stop trying to ‘fix’ yourself; you’re not broken! 

You are perfectly imperfect and powerful beyond measure.” 

~Steve Maraboli

This time of year can find people seeking help to increase their confidence or decrease self-doubt, or doing anything else for their own personal growth. 

We make resolutions often based on one of the following statements:

“I need fixing,”
“There really is something wrong with me,” or
“If I loved myself enough I would/would not (fill in the blank).”

If you connect with what I’m saying, then I’m here to tell you that none of that is true! How do I know? Because I used to carry those same beliefs. 

So I ask you, why do you seek personal growth? Your answer will determine your outcome.

There are two motivators as to why people seek personal growth: love and fear.

When you look for personal growth from a place of love, your relationship with yourself changes. No matter how many mistakes or wrong turns you feel you have made, you are willing to use those as learning opportunities, not as a reason to judge, criticize, or blame yourself. You acknowledge that you are doing the best you can with whatever life throws at you. You are there for yourself with acceptance, understanding, and forgiveness. 

As a result, true growth happens.

When you approach self-help from a place of fear, you believe that you or your life is lacking in some way. You hang on to the hope that if you just get the right self-help book, or sign up for that life-changing workshop, retreat, or program, that uncomfortable feeling will go away and all will be well again.

If you hang on to this belief, that is not personal growth.

This is looking outside of yourself for happiness, self-acceptance, or inner peace, or to bring security, guarantees, or the love you desire.

It’s a temporary fix. It will continually leave you feeling unfilled and in a cycle of looking for the next best thing to fill you up, creating more fear within you because you are not getting the long-lasting results you want. 

Will your resolutions come from a place of love or a place of fear?

Know that nothing or no one can validate you, because you are already valid.

There is no “fixing” that needs to be done, nor are you “flawed” for seeking help and guidance. Being resolved just means that you are ready to experience yourself and your life in a new way, because what you’re doing is no longer working.

Be resolved.

Cheers.

When life takes a turn, you don't have to stop. RESOLVE.

“Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.”

~Samuel Beckett

When we resolve to do something new, when we dare to take a risk, it rarely, if ever, works out as we imagine.

When unexpected challenges arise when things go “wrong,” and life takes a 'turn,' it’s tempting to tell ourselves that we’ve failed; that we should stick to what we know. That we should just play it safe and leave dream-following to those who have what it takes. That it will just be too hard to continue. That we were wrong to even have tried.

Don’t do it; don’t let the negative thoughts and self-doubt bring you down. Instead, consider the following questions to keep you focused on your resolve and going in the right direction.

What have you learned from the experience?

Consider this: If you had never tried, you would have never learned…. You fill in the blank. Perhaps that you were not ready. Maybe that you burn out too quickly because you go to hard. Was the setting all wrong for your resolve?

I’ve learned that taking a big risk isn’t always that risky after all. It can be far simpler that we make the idea. Have you found out that it wasn’t as exciting as you imagined? That it was really pretty mundane and boring? Very rarely do the calamities we imagine happening come true.

That’s a magnificent thing to have learned.

What have you achieved?

It can be all too tempting to focus on the things you haven’t done but try instead to focus on what you did manage to do.

Even doing something with consistency for a few days might have been monumental for you. You proved to yourself you could do it, even if it didn’t last.

Even your “failures” can be achievements, as when you know what doesn’t work for you, you’re one step closer to finding out what does. Evaluate your achievement periods, and implement the wins in your daily life - long term.

How have you changed?

Use the negative as a positive. Sometimes, a healthy dose of what you don’t want can help remind you of what you do want and where you want to go. Before you begin again, remember well how you feel RIGHT NOW. Even that small period that you were able to maintain your resolve changed you. And the following period of time changed you too.  Once you’ve taken the first step toward your resolve, there really is only one direction to go in. Keep your eye on the goal and use any step you take backward as a tool for moving forward.

Step back if needed.

Stop and consider where you want to go.

Go forward.

Believe that nothing can stop you - this time.

Cheers.