Where will your resolve come from? Love or Fear?

“Stop trying to ‘fix’ yourself; you’re not broken! 

You are perfectly imperfect and powerful beyond measure.” 

~Steve Maraboli

This time of year can find people seeking help to increase their confidence or decrease self-doubt, or doing anything else for their own personal growth. 

We make resolutions often based on one of the following statements:

“I need fixing,”
“There really is something wrong with me,” or
“If I loved myself enough I would/would not (fill in the blank).”

If you connect with what I’m saying, then I’m here to tell you that none of that is true! How do I know? Because I used to carry those same beliefs. 

So I ask you, why do you seek personal growth? Your answer will determine your outcome.

There are two motivators as to why people seek personal growth: love and fear.

When you look for personal growth from a place of love, your relationship with yourself changes. No matter how many mistakes or wrong turns you feel you have made, you are willing to use those as learning opportunities, not as a reason to judge, criticize, or blame yourself. You acknowledge that you are doing the best you can with whatever life throws at you. You are there for yourself with acceptance, understanding, and forgiveness. 

As a result, true growth happens.

When you approach self-help from a place of fear, you believe that you or your life is lacking in some way. You hang on to the hope that if you just get the right self-help book, or sign up for that life-changing workshop, retreat, or program, that uncomfortable feeling will go away and all will be well again.

If you hang on to this belief, that is not personal growth.

This is looking outside of yourself for happiness, self-acceptance, or inner peace, or to bring security, guarantees, or the love you desire.

It’s a temporary fix. It will continually leave you feeling unfilled and in a cycle of looking for the next best thing to fill you up, creating more fear within you because you are not getting the long-lasting results you want. 

Will your resolutions come from a place of love or a place of fear?

Know that nothing or no one can validate you, because you are already valid.

There is no “fixing” that needs to be done, nor are you “flawed” for seeking help and guidance. Being resolved just means that you are ready to experience yourself and your life in a new way, because what you’re doing is no longer working.

Be resolved.

Cheers.

When life takes a turn, you don't have to stop. RESOLVE.

“Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.”

~Samuel Beckett

When we resolve to do something new, when we dare to take a risk, it rarely, if ever, works out as we imagine.

When unexpected challenges arise when things go “wrong,” and life takes a 'turn,' it’s tempting to tell ourselves that we’ve failed; that we should stick to what we know. That we should just play it safe and leave dream-following to those who have what it takes. That it will just be too hard to continue. That we were wrong to even have tried.

Don’t do it; don’t let the negative thoughts and self-doubt bring you down. Instead, consider the following questions to keep you focused on your resolve and going in the right direction.

What have you learned from the experience?

Consider this: If you had never tried, you would have never learned…. You fill in the blank. Perhaps that you were not ready. Maybe that you burn out too quickly because you go to hard. Was the setting all wrong for your resolve?

I’ve learned that taking a big risk isn’t always that risky after all. It can be far simpler that we make the idea. Have you found out that it wasn’t as exciting as you imagined? That it was really pretty mundane and boring? Very rarely do the calamities we imagine happening come true.

That’s a magnificent thing to have learned.

What have you achieved?

It can be all too tempting to focus on the things you haven’t done but try instead to focus on what you did manage to do.

Even doing something with consistency for a few days might have been monumental for you. You proved to yourself you could do it, even if it didn’t last.

Even your “failures” can be achievements, as when you know what doesn’t work for you, you’re one step closer to finding out what does. Evaluate your achievement periods, and implement the wins in your daily life - long term.

How have you changed?

Use the negative as a positive. Sometimes, a healthy dose of what you don’t want can help remind you of what you do want and where you want to go. Before you begin again, remember well how you feel RIGHT NOW. Even that small period that you were able to maintain your resolve changed you. And the following period of time changed you too.  Once you’ve taken the first step toward your resolve, there really is only one direction to go in. Keep your eye on the goal and use any step you take backward as a tool for moving forward.

Step back if needed.

Stop and consider where you want to go.

Go forward.

Believe that nothing can stop you - this time.

Cheers.

Post Election 2016: It's not just the Trumps and the Clintons that are dealing with the results.

If you know the enemy and know yourself you need not fear the results of a hundred battles.

~Sun Tzu

While the drama and turmoil of this year’s Presidential election continue to persist around our country, as a Mother, I am only concerned with one smallish community.

They are my big, blended and diverse family who share genetics, history and most of all a passion for an opinion. I have watched this past year as the events of the 2016 election have twisted and turned our adult children, and us as well. And now, with the results in and the dust still far from settled, just like much of the country, our family represents the divided electorate.

While I am certain we are not unique, I do think we are distinct in the variety of stories we will bring together this holiday season.

My husband and I, one Republican and one Independent, are both rather conservative. While neither of our initial choices was on the ballot, we did not consider Hillary Clinton as an option. So much so that I cast a vote for Bernie Sanders in the Primary, still far from ready to vote for Donald J. Trump. It was not until our 3rd Trump sign (put up by my husband) was stolen from our yard, along with several America flags, that I turned the corner and decided to vote for Trump. I felt indignant and as though my right to voice my opinion was being minimalized. I believe many other voters like me may have finally decided to vote for Trump for these very feelings: Tired of being minimalized and the attempts to take away our voice.

Our children, on the other hand, were quite certain for a long time who they would support.

Several of them did so quite vociferously and made it the central theme of their lives. Our LGBTQ child attended rallies and posted passionately on social media. Our grandson’s mother went to work in another state for several weeks on behalf of the Trump campaign. Another one of our children left their family for several days before the election to do the same, but in the name of the Clinton campaign. Still another of our children is married into a family of a Police officer in a large city, and their fear for his life with the civil unrest toward officers made them reliable Trump supporters. One of our son's just decided to do a lot of praying, asking God to guide our country during this tumultuous time.  As a group of 14, we are split right down the middle.

Can you believe that? I am still shaking my head at how aligned we are with the country around us.

Somehow, after that fateful night that none of us (except my Data Scientist son) saw coming, we are all still family, and we love each other. I'm not going to kid you - Thanksgiving was hard. I was grateful when a few of the group didn't interact with each other directly. My husband and I went into the long weekend figuring we could take it. We see ourselves kind of like Cubs fans: We have lost so much we can handle it. But even we were not prepared for the fallout of dealing with shocked supporters of Hillary Clinton. We huddled, and realized there was really nothing we could say. They would just have to get through it.

There have been some hurtful things said. At times, as though those of us who voted for Trump were like the Ghost of Elections Past, watching in the background, unseen and quiet. But we will get through it. I like to believe it’s because we've encouraged our children to think for themselves, but still, have respect for the opinions of others. We know we are not the enemy and they are not ours. And we know ourselves. We can get through these battles and much more to come.

Yes, there is fear in some members of our family over what the future might bring. Very real concern. Fears that I want to take from them, but I also want them to grow through them.

I hope my husband and I can quell much of their fear with the ongoing assurance that no one will step on the rights of those around us... Especially those we call family.

Unless they go through us first. And our children have made us pretty tough to get through....

Cheers.

Can you accept this?

"Once you accept that your child will be different - not better or worse, 

just different - that's the first step." ~Unknown

I don’t have a child or grandchild with an intellectual or another kind of disability. 

But I learned soon after starting my position as a Line Therapist at one agency and a job coach for another organization that I shared something with the parents of my clients. You see, nearly nine years ago I lost my oldest son. 27-years-old and in the springtime of his life. He was taken suddenly in a freak accident while serving in the Army. His death spiraled me into a deep grief and pain, the likes of which I had never personally experienced. All my hopes and dreams for watching him as he advanced his life came crashing down around me. I would never see him achieve the high goals he had for his career. I would never see him get married to his fiance or hold his first child. It was all lost in a matter of moments in that field in Grafenwoehr Germany.

When I began to get to know the families of my clients, I could sense we had a connection. 

One day, while talking with a Mom, she began to cry as she described the hopes she had when her beautiful boy was born. How she thought he would perhaps play ball like his brother or learn to play the piano like her. But the day she received the diagnosis of Autism, she felt those dreams come crashing down around her as well. What did this mean for the future of her son?

I could sense a deep grief that she was carrying. The pain of the loss of what she had dreamed for her child.

So will you allow me, an outsider, to tell you about an important part of the healing process when facing such grief?  

You've no doubt heard of the stages of grief, and they are certainly real. Consider your diagnosis and how you may have walked through the steps: Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Perhaps you've never seen the diagnosis you received as a loss, so this may be new to you. You may feel that you are fully in acceptance right now. After all, are you not doing all you can to deal with the fact that your child has Autism or another spectrum disorder? If that is not accepting the facts, then what is?

I too was convinced that I had fully accepted my son's death a few years back. But I was shown how wrong I was.

I sat in a counselor's office discussing my son's death and telling her how pleased I was with how I seemed to have come through it. She listened carefully, and then said something that knocked me for a bit of a loop. "As you talk about your son, I get a sense that you still don't quite believe he's not still out there in some way. It's like you expect him to come home. Like he's still here." Her opinion was that I could not certainly be in the phase of 'acceptance' if I did not accept that Seth was indeed dead. That whatever life he had lived up to the day he died was all that he was going to live. I could continue his memory and keep those memories alive, but there would be no new ones. It was then that I came to understand fully what true acceptance was.

So I ask you. Have you accepted the facts of your child's diagnosis?

I think we might believe that accepting a diagnosis means giving up and not seeing any hope for improvement. But in reality, it's much more subtle than that. The diagnosis your child received is not like getting diagnosed with Leukemia or another type of disease. Autism and Intellectual Disability are not an illness or even a condition. These are just different ways of a brain working from what we consider to be typical. Therefore, your acceptance of your child's way of thinking and living means you work to bring them into the world that may not understand them.

Because this diagnosis is not about getting cured, or even better.

Living with Autism and accepting its nuances is about adaptation and adjustment. This is what ABA (What is ABA?) provides your child. It is not a cure, and you may never see marked improvement in some areas of your child's ability. But you will see changes and adjustments as they are guided toward behaviors and responses that will help them to find their place in the world.


As Therapists and Disability Support Specialists, we are an integral part of that process. We accept and welcome the unique ways your child lives in their world. Still, we are not you - the most important and extraordinary people in their world. Your acceptance and support are what matters to your child.

You are not giving up when you accept.

You are simply freeing yourself, your family and your child to find the adaptive ways which will enhance their opportunities to the fullest. It's not expecting less - on the contrary - it's allowing more to be done with what we have before us. The hope of healing and recovery is not in this picture.
Perhaps we have shifted sharply from the days when children with Intellectual Disabilities would automatically end up in an institution. That was the exact definition of giving up. Letting society tell you what the 'best' solution would be.  The proportionate response says 'my kid is just exactly who they were built to be. We understand your fear, but we don't have to honor it." Trust me; I get what it's like to be treated as though you are cursed or carry some disease.

I have grown to accept that my son is never coming back.

And through that, I have found expansion in the ways I celebrate who he was and honor his memory. I have grown in the ways I can share how his loss changed my life, and I can finally allow myself to be truly happy again. And not feel guilty or delusional. I continue to work on carrying the weight that is the loss of a child. It is a daily purposeful effort, as is yours. Acceptance was the beginning of my ability to find my way back to life again. I hope it can be yours.

Giving, giving...Gone...

"Burnout is not about giving too much. It's about trying to give what you do not possess."

~Parker J. Palmer

It's beginning to sound a lot like the holiday season...

And there is so much about it that I adore. I love the smells of goodies, especially cinnamon and cookies.  I love the decorations and the festive lights that line houses and streets. As a parent and grandparent, I have endeavored  to interject holiday traditions within my family. Ones that they can carry on past my time here on earth. Like the Christmas Town that I put up each year, which is a fond memory I have of going to my Grandma Costa's house each year. 

But what I'm starting to sour on is the whole culture that has evolved around gift giving.

As we ended our long weekend of putting together a family gathering and events around Thanksgiving, I found myself feeling reticent to throw down for another escapade for Christmas. It's not the cooking, cleaning, refereeing, entertaining and recovery that I dread. It's the idea that we need to go out and spend money or write checks to people who really don't need anything they can't buy for themselves. Not the little ones, although finding something special becomes more and more difficult as they age. It's become an expectation, though, hasn't it? I have been musing all week about I why I am not already making a list and checking it twice. It's more than just the money. It's more than the time involved.

I think I am burnout on having to orchestrate all of it.

When I saw the quote above about what burnout is, I related. For whatever reason this year, I'm not up for being the Maestro of our family Christmas holiday. Maybe it's facing my husband's mortality. Probably something deeper that I just cannot express. But this week, as I think about giving and the holidays, I just don't seem to have it in me.

So I am not going to force myself to give what I do not possess.

Until I do.

I'll let you know how it goes.

Cheers. 

Conflicts Canceled, Until Further Notice.

Too many fighters stay in the game for too long. They stay because it's awfully hard to walk away from the roar of the crowd. Really hard. 

You live for that, and so you stay too long.

~Gerry Cooney

As I mentioned Monday, I'm quite comfortable with conflict...

Reading the quote above, I could relate. When conflict becomes a habit and a way of life, you find it hard to walk away. When you are a 'fighter,' like me, you begin to think you truly need it to substantiate yourself. And so, sometimes you will find yourself either embroiled in a useless argument or drawn back into a contemptuous relationship because it feels right. The cheering section of those around you who are either peace seekers or co-fighters will tell you it's okay. You are their leader in setting the score or making it right.

I'm here today to tell you that this is a condition you might want to bring healing to...

Yes, bring healing, as it really can be quite a bad habit that is stealing from your joy. Just consider for a moment the amount of time you have spent either trying to appease a person who seems to visit you with constant conflict or change the mind of someone who will never see things your way? And all the while, those people I talked about Monday - the ones who you need so badly to maintain a close relationship to - are there waiting for some of your time. The gap between those who are dear to you and those who are fear to you needs to be balanced. Or, they need to be completely reversed, whatever your case.

There are those that I will never allow to stay in conflict with me...

As a dear friend said yesterday, she would sit on the doorstep of her daughter if she refused to settle an argument with her. I don't give up on coming to an understanding with dear ones. You should not either. But there are others, who might be related to you even, who may need to receive a notice of cancellation. 

"Dear person, our conflicts are cancelled until further notice." 

Sometimes, it's time to walk away. 

Wish them peace, and give yourself freedom.

Cheers. 

The Comfort of Conflict.

“Conflict is inevitable, but combat is optional.”

~Max Lucado

My husband says I live for conflict...

While I do not agree with him completely, I can understand the conviction of his belief. In the 20 or so years we've known each other, he's seen me go from conflict to conflict in many areas of my life. He, and his family, on the other hand, seem to avoid the option of coming to conflict in any way possible. They choose to avoid or deflect, and just hope that eventually, it will all go away. Grudges will not be held, although the issue may be archived in some historical family story.  Now, my family operates in a very different manner. Suffice it to say that if my husband's family and the like are similar to the Irish Setter that greets the intruder at the door, we are more like the Junkyard Dog pulling at a stake in the yard. 

And it's hard to 'untrain' that kind of behavior. 

I do appreciate the lack of powerful drama that surrounds his family gatherings, even in the midst of disagreements. It is very true that in the middle of a conflict, we often say or do things we did not mean, and find ourselves wanting to take it back. These words may not be retrievable, and that can cause long term damage that only time can heal. So as a Mother and Grandmother, I've tried to become a better example to my offspring of carefully approaching conflict in a healthy way. And this week, as our country seems to be embroiled in yet another conflict, I've found myself quite comfortable with it. And here's why:

Conflicts can be an opportunity for greater intimacy and connection.

Taking a partial cue from my husband and taking a deeper look inside my approach to conflict, I have learned that my perspective toward conflict can radically change the outcome. At least for the deeper and more meaningful relationships in my life. When I went from being on the attack in  challenging conversations and viewing them as “war” to viewing them as an integral part of communication and necessary for a healthy relationship, I began to see far more growth from them. For me, it's a constant internal message of 'this isn't about winning, it's about understanding'.  This behavior is opposite of how I was raised, and how I've raised my children. I can modify my approach, and not have to give up conflict. 

Difficult conversations are a fact of life. 

Find a way to be comfortable with conflict.

Find a way to understand it.

Cheers. 

Service, with an inner smile.

"The fruit of love is service, the fruit of service is peace, and peace begins with a smile."

~Mother Teresa

I appreciate that Mother Teresa didn't instruct us that we jump into service with a smile. 

Her instruction is rather that we find love first. That we are motivated to serve because of love. That this love is driven from knowledge gathered by an awareness of either wanting to do something or knowing exactly what we need to do. We smile once we can match our compassionate love with a service, and there is an enormous amount of peace that often follows the fruits we observe in the outcomes.

But then, there are those times...

Those times when your service is met with opposition and disdain. Your love is completely ignored and even questioned. Broken souls who have no desire to be mended find ways to assure you your efforts will not be needed. That is unless they choose to pick through what you have to offer and send you packing with whatever they turn their noses up toward. Yes, there are those times, and there are seasons when they seem like the rule instead of the exception.

It doesn't mean the fruits of the service go away. On the contrary, this is when they are the most necessary.

Mother Teresa understood what we all must pray to absorb. No one can take away love and passion that resides within you toward a calling to service. That is yours to explore and explode to the world around you. Holding fast to the peace that comes from that smile, no matter if it shines on your face or gleams on the inside, will fertilize and grow your love. There are times when smiling at those we serve frankly isn't appropriate. They might need our tears or our calm countenance. And those broken souls will walk away confused if you bow your head, tip your hat, or wink your eye as you wish them well.

In those times, we keep our smile inside.

Breathing out peace.

Servants with an inner smile.

Cheers. 

Serving for the service, not the validation.

“If you light a lamp for someone else it will also brighten your path.” 

~Buddha

Throughout my life, I often found myself in the position of helping others.

I just never really saw it as 'serving' them. As I have grown to know myself, I have discovered that I have a heart that wants the best for myself and others. I now get opportunities to serve others nearly every day, and this has brought me great fulfillment. I have been told that I make it look easy, but it wasn't always this simple for me. I spent a great deal of my life wondering why I was here and being sincerely mistreated by those you believe you should trust the most. Instead, they were able to completely disconnect from me, and I had to face the devastation of not being important to them. I decided that I had to be who I was for no one else but me. I would be different and change the course of my legacy.

Little did I know that being different meant discovering myself and not just changing my circumstances.

When I examined who I had grown up to be based on my history, I uncovered some disturbing things. There were several areas of my character that were negative and needed improvement. I had justified each one as a defense mechanism and habit that had been formed from abuse. But if I truly wanted to be different and make a historical change, I had to lose that perspective. And in the area of serving others, I had to face a tough one. I was always a helpful person, but it was about seeking validation for what I did, not about the difference I could make in others’ lives.

I would often be so angry with myself for doing things for other people that I really didn’t want to do.

I started learning about who I was and why I was behaving the way I did. I was angry that I didn’t say no when I really wanted to. I was seeking validation in these moments and wanting to be liked. That was not service. It was receiving something. Service was about giving. The kind of giving that can leave you feeling empty and tired, but not used or abused. So I had to start saying no more to the things that would get me something for a fleeting moment, and yes to things that would teach me about how to serve. And the more I served, the stronger my inner joy and understanding became. I no longer required the validation.

I validated myself.

I developed inner strength that needed no man or woman.

Inner strength that I owned, tended to and harvested.

Cheers.

When Evaluation Challenges... Wake up is calling.

"True genius resides in the capacity for evaluation of uncertain, hazardous, 

and conflicting information." 

~Winston Churchill

It's not judgemental to say that every life could use a 'little' improvement.

As I continued to consider the benefits of evaluating and accepting what I hear, I came upon the thought of getting a not so great piece of information. It might be something you knew about but did not realize was becoming a real problem. Or perhaps this is an issue that never crossed your mind or from your perspective is not that big of a deal. Then you sit down with a subjective or objective Evaluator, and they deliver the blow. 

Houston, we have a problem...

Our next go-to position is most likely denial or argument. You shake your head, visually or inside, and consider how they could have come to this erroneous conclusion. But the best Evaluators come loaded with evidence. Whether through test results or outcomes or testimony, you are presented with the facts. Now the proverbial onus becomes yours. And the largest challenge you now face is not just to accept. That's only step one, and unless you are completely delusional, you'll get there or be dismissed as irrational. 

The challenge is now what you will do with what you have heard?

Ding dong...Wake up calling!

It's now no longer the responsibility of the Evaluator to deal with the harsh realities. Certainly, they can support, direct, encourage or even threaten, but you alone now must choose to act.  Oh, those dreaded hours, days and weeks after hearing not so great results can be tiring. It's just like the alarm going off too early when you had plans to sleep in. It takes a bit to get clear and get going.

You could always fall back into your slumber, but that's not where the growth resides.

It's ok to give yourself time to wake up from the call. It's ok to blink hard a few times and gulp a few times as you swallow that jagged little pill. But the important thing is that you move forward. Take action. Even if you still have a slight doubt about the Evaluator's opinion, what they have to say is rarely anything that will bring you harm if you choose to act upon it.

Big or small, change is hard.

But it can make all the best parts of you come out to shine.

Cheers. 

When it's time to evaluate, and accept.

“Make the best use of what is in your power and take the rest as it happens.” 

~Epictetus

Evaluations are a regular part of my life in employment and something that I am very used to by now.

Typically I get good scores and the evaluation includes plenty of praise and positive acknowledgment, along with whatever constructive criticism is appropriate to the work that is being evaluated. Usually I can look through the evaluation form, note what needs to be noted and move on. I can accept feedback when needed, use it appropriately, and in turn notice the strengths of others and acknowledge them along the way. I do pretty well, really.

Most days, doing pretty well is enough. But sometimes I get the feeling that there is something missing...

That I could still do better. That enough isn’t actually satisfactory. That if I’m not constantly evaluating how I’m doing and striving for something better, there’s something wrong. That in acknowledging others, my voice gets tired and there’s not much left for acknowledging myself. Even though I can plainly see the strengths in others and even verbalize them regularly, I don’t always notice and acknowledge them in myself. I have a tendency to want acknowledgment but brush it off when it arrives. 

I crave being recognized for doing well but hardly know how to react when that craving is satisfied.

I know I get caught up in our culture’s mantra of “more, better, faster” more often than I care to admit. We get so caught up in growing and getting better that we forget to honor the life we have right now.

What if I could take my usually positive outlook and mold it into a way of being that sets my default to accepting wherever I am in my job, or my relationships, or my life situation? 

What if I could celebrate what is?

Maybe accepting the perfection that lies beneath our struggles can help move us into space beyond what we think is possible.

A space that knows no limits and a space that is simply enough.

Period.

Cheers.

You're not done until you act like you are...

“If your heart is beating, if your lungs are breathing, if you are still alive… then it is not too late to do something kind, creative, generous, satisfying, and courageous. Today.”
~Alexandra Franzen

We all have those days. The ones where we are just really off our game.

I had one this past Monday. I had an incredibly wonderful weekend and had set my intention to write about a subject of a personal nature but one I thought would resonate with others. We went to bed early and when I arose at my traditional 5:00 A.M., I felt a little tired. The rest was a script for the typical unplanned Murphy’s Law day: Internet disrupted my Yoga practice, dog went crazy and barked incessantly during our walk, emails started going off at 6:45 with ‘urgent’ messages…. Suddenly, my intended subject seemed uninspired and misplaced. I think I actually growled out loud.

I pushed through the day by sheer determination, and it ended on a good note.

Thanks to the fact that I work with some very incredible humans, it was impossible for me to feel as though the day was a complete loss. But I struggled as I hit the pillow. I had not written my blog and I wondered if this might be a good week to skip it. I stretched out my arms and said audibly "I accept", a mantra I had preached on Sunday to a dear friend, and went to sleep thinking about letting go.

Anne Shirley was right.  Tomorrow is another day, fresh with no mistakes in it...

Tuesday was a better day. I chose a mantra for my Yoga practice of "I am open" and carried it with me through an unexpectantly delightful day. As I arrived home and took Eddy out for a treat walk in the refreshing Autumn afternoon, I was rushed with inspiration. Six simple words struck me, "The week is not over yet." It was only Tuesday, and I was rising like the Lotus through the seemingly impenetrable mud. 

In my increasingly older age, I wonder how many times I will have to be reminded of this lesson?

How many times can you recount that you pushed out your jaw and stated, "It's not over yet..."? You went for a walk or made a call or wrote a note and experienced something of a revival of mind and spirit? 

Just when we think the forces of nature and the unseen are against us, we find a way to turn it around through affirmation. 

It's a powerful reminder that we are not done until we decide to act like we are...

There is still time to make something good happen, no matter what has happened so far in the day. It reminds me that I don’t need to wait for a new day, a new week (or month or year) to decide to make it count. We have within our grasp the POWER, the very WILL to make the most of our time.

Today.

Are you done?

If you read this whole thing, I'd say nope...

Cheers.

Contagious Calm.... Catch it.

“Peace of mind is not the absence of conflict from life, but the ability to cope with it.” 

~Unknown

I remember it like it was yesterday. Flying out of L.A. during a violent storm....

And this was back in the days when I was not well acquainted with thunderstorms and their ability to diminish quickly. We were just over the California border, going toward Colorado, and the whole plane started bouncing. There were a few occasional shrieks and lots of worried faces. I was in a window seat, feeling a little shaky as I have never been what I would call a carefree flyer. I looked to my right, and my eyes met with something I did not expect. A very pleasant looking face on my co-traveler. A middle-aged woman (older than me at the time) who had vibrant eyes and a quiet smile. She saw my terror and remarked, "Now isn't this something? You'll have a good story to tell your guy when you land." I chuckled and said something about how I rather I didn't. We both laughed together and started a conversation. While the storm continued, we did not stop our pleasant conversation. Our voices resonated throughout the quiet plane as everyone waited for the next bolt of lightning to hit us.

But then, I noticed something. Other people started chuckling and talking together.

Even though the same bumpy and spectacular experience continued, our calm conversation seemed to be spreading. After about 20 minutes, the storm passed, and the Flight Attendants came around to offer free drinks. The couple in front of us turned to tell me and my co-travelers how much we had helped them to calm down. Soon a few others chimed in the same thing. I laughed and told them that I was every bit as scared as they were and my seemingly calm seatmate admitted the same!

It was a surreal experience, but it became apparent to me that calmness was contagious, even if I was only faking it.

My conversation with the woman next to me who had cleared her mind of what was happening around us helped me to clear my mind too. A calm, clear mind is often said to be like a still pond under a full moon. Unfortunately, our minds are not always clear. The surface is full of ripples that make it hard to see the bottom and distort the image of the moon. While these ripples are sometimes created by the wind or the environment, most of them are caused by rocks dropped into the pond.  Our rocks are created in our minds. They are emotions like anger, hatred, or fear. Often without realizing it we are always throwing these stones into our "ponds" - our thoughts - never letting them return to stillness. 

That day, I stopped for a minute and didn't keep throwing rocks. I wanted to, but I stopped instead.The waves calmed down on their own. And the stillness spread throughout those around us. 

I still think about that flight from time to time, but mostly when I’m flying. Perhaps I'll start practicing seeing a rock in my hand and see myself setting it down without a ripple.

I will catch some calm and let it spread.

It's contagious you know...

Cheers. 

Quietly, with focus...

"When was the last time you spent a quiet moment just doing nothing - just sitting and looking at the sea, or watching the wind blowing the tree limbs, or waves rippling on a pond, a flickering candle or children playing in the park?"

~Ralph Marston

I learn so much from the youngsters I get to work with each day...

While they might be considered with pity because they are living with Autism, they also have some amazing abilities we could all take a lesson from. One of my particular favorites is the steadfast way they can stop and get incredibly quiet in the midst of turmoil and chaos. They might put their hands up to their ears, or they might just pause and stare, but in that moment, they become quiet. And when you look in their eyes, you don't see emptiness. Far from it. You see a focus and absorption that denotes study and learning.  

It's taught me that I have a lot of trouble getting quiet, even when I stop talking.

I can close my mouth down and breathe, but narrowing my thoughts and focusing on what I am observing to just one thing is hard. My mind wants to get busy and becomes concerned about what I'm not doing or should be doing. What I am looking at reminds me of something I need to do or say. But these people, who are sensitive to noise and light so they certainly could become distracted, have shown me there is much to be gathered from focused observation. And it all starts with making yourself become quiet despite your surroundings.

It's following the leaf being blown down the path with your eyes...

Seeing a ripple in the water and watching it even out then seeing another one that follows. Being amazed by the way the sunshine flickers on the suncatcher. Not just for a few seconds, but for a few minutes. Stopping only when you have seen something new and absorbed it in your mind's library.

So what will you quietly focus on today?

Close your eyes, and when you open them, take a shot at it.

Quietly.

Cheers. 

To accept yourself, you might have to reject yourself...

"Every act of creation is first an act of destruction."

~Pablo Picasso

I've often heard it said that self-care is the road to self-love.

But as a person who gets much of my self-worth from giving to others, this thought made me uncomfortable. It seemed selfish (well, it is about self, after all) and something that would force me to miss out on an opportunity to help someone else. It wasn't until I came to a crossroads a few years ago and realized I was on the road to self-destruction that I considered I might want to rethink this.

I clearly wasn't self-focused enough. I was allowing the winds of life to blow me away.

So I sat down and evaluated what needed to go. What were the things that I could keep? What about my personage required to be 'destroyed' to allow me to 'create' the person I knew I needed to be. The person who deserved my 'self-love' and nourishment. And it had to start beneath the skin. While self-care can help us feel better in our skin and our body immensely, it will not fix everything that lies between our ears. Where it counts.

I had to begin to see myself as the healed person I believed I could be.

Spiritual activist Marianne Williamson wrote, “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.” I see how true this was for me. Reach beyond your comfort zone to discover the hidden potential within. Do whatever you find difficult to do, and realize that you possess more power than you had allowed yourself to believe. For me, it began with limiting my nutrition to only what would feed me adequately. Then, I moved to daily walks. Next, Yoga.

A couple of years ago, I would never have believed I could do this.

I thought I was too old and too weakened by life's circumstances to do this. As I have come out of the experience transformed, asking myself, “If I can do this, then what else am I capable of?” That lesson helps me tap into my power to overcome the challenges that I face every day.

So go ahead. What do you need to reject about yourself today?
What will you learn to accept?
What will you become through the process?
Cheers.

Feeling good - In your own skin.

“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.” 

~Proverb

Like many humans, I've struggled with my body image for most of my life.

A few years ago, when I decided that I was ready to reclaim my health, I knew I had to take an honest view of my condition. And, because the outward was such a focus put upon me by the world around me, I was tempted to start there and stay there. At 55 years old, I was beginning to see the wages of unhealthy living habits and excess stretching of the skin. Looking in the mirror, although determined to make this the very last time I had to make a concerted effort in this area, I was pretty despondent. How in the world would I ever recover and heal from the damage I had done?

It was at that seminal moment in time that I saw a flickering light.

It was in my eyes, shining through. It radiated from the tears and flowed from my smile. It was a beauty. Not the skin deep kind, but the inner type. It was a firestorm of gorgeousness just aching to explode out from me. When I closed my eyes, I felt that person who lived inside the skin. That person knew how to live healthier. No one needed to teach her anything. She knew what needed to do. And while right now, she didn't feel so great, she knew she had to start doing something very different....

I had to learn to feel good, in my own skin.

No matter how the skin looked to the eyes of those around me, I had to love what was inside of the skin. I had to want to take care of what was inside. I had to believe it could respond and be impacted by how I treated what was inside of it. 

Our skin is our home for our time on this Earth.

We should be profoundly grateful every single day that we have a body, which is our home and our vehicle in this lifetime. We can do so many things with our bodies: dance, swim, run, walk, talk, sit, move, hug our beloved, smile, eat, write, type, pick up objects, work, paint, cook, and so much more!

Instead of focusing on the color or shape of our eyes, which we may not like, we can concentrate on how fortunate we are that we can see. Instead of focusing on how skinny, thin, short, or fat our legs are, or how much cellulite we have, we can focus on how blessed we are that we can use those legs to get us places. 

When we appreciate what our body does for us, we can begin to understand why it deserves our care. 

We can go boldly forth taking steps to bring the insides into their best state so they will radiate from within us, giving us a confident glow that far outshines flawless skin.

We can be the best version of us.

Right in this very skin.

Cheers. 

Your destiny belongs to you.

“Never forget: This very moment, we can change our lives. There never was a moment, and never will be, when we are without the power to alter our destiny.” 

~Steven Pressfield

We all have the power to alter our destiny in the smallest and largest of ways.

And it begins with something we do every day: Decide. If you’ve ever wanted to take up a discipline, open a new business, stop an addiction, or start anything new, it’s the same for all. It's not simple in any way. The obstacles that often stand between you and your decision can be immense and cumbersome. They might take time and effort beyond what you currently have available to move or remove them. Therein often lies the problem. You see, most of us live in a reality that says once we decide something, it must now take place. And when it doesn't (within a reasonable amount of time) we begin to think that perhaps we were off in our decision, or it just 'wasn't meant to be...' - 

Come on now... We are talking about destiny here. Not whether or not your team wins the Series.

It was always meant to be if it's taken directly from your personal calling and interests. That's where the term 'altered' comes in when thinking of destiny. We might need to shift a few grains of sand or change a couple of timelines, but the destiny remains. The decision stands. 

What’s meant to be is supposed to be because you decide.

In my experience, what’s possible only becomes real once you decide on the inside and then act on what you feel outside. And I mean continue to act, not just for a short spurt that feels good. Not just when people are looking at you and cheering you on. In fact, destiny is quite a private thing in my opinion. Whenever I see people spouting publicly about 'living the dream,' I wonder how long this dream will last - this time. Destiny evolves, and you have to change course with it sometime. 

But it begins with the decision to go after it.

I'm not your Oracle, and I can't tell you what it is. But you know.

Go. It belongs to you.

Cheers. 

Don't be afraid to detour to a destiny.

"It is not in the stars to hold our destiny but in ourselves."

~William Shakespeare

Ever feel like you are being pulled toward your 'destiny'?

Funny how we give up our power to change the course of our lives so quickly. It's as though something so huge cannot be held in our hands. So much simpler to give responsibility to another force outside of ourselves. We imagine there must be a super-powered magnet somewhere dragging us along to where we belong during our lives. But I'm not made of metal, are you?

We get tongue-tied and anxious sometimes when we are faced with our potential destiny.

Kind of like George McFly in 'Back to the Future' when he has confronted the mother of his future children, Loraine. It's a scary and uncomfortable feeling when you just know you need to say or do something to get to your destiny, but life isn't allowing it. Really, though, is it life that isn't allowing it, or is it, like Shakespeare opined, within ourselves? 

Perhaps the magnet is in you, and it just needs to be charged.

Do you remember that spark you had as a child that was filled with dreams of your future destiny? It might seem like a far-out fairy tale now, but was it really that incredibly off from who you are? Have you allowed the path of life, with its pitfalls and twists to take you from what you want to fulfill and achieve? Your destiny magnet just needs to be rediscovered and given some proper attention. Where it is pulling you toward, and what could be more important than finding out?

I saw a sunrise developing behind me on my walk today with Eddy. 

I could either remain on my course or cut across the wet field to get to small incline and face it. I chose to take the cut, and I was not disappointed. The shot above can only partially depict the splendor.

Uncover your inner destiny magnet.

Go a little rogue.

Find your destiny.

Cheers. 

What is the reading on your gauge?

"There are two great days in a person’s life—the day we are born and the day we discover why.” 

~William Barclay

The word “capacity” has many definitions. 

Academically, it can be summarized as the maximum measure of innate potential and the ability to grasp and demonstrate one’s optimal capability and power in a specified role. Getting down to my terms, capacity is your gauge of purpose and potential. 

How much is in you? 

How much are you utilizing, and -

How much is untapped?Well, let's see...

The capacity of a storage item depends on size, depth, sturdiness, adaptability, and intended purpose.

These ideas, while somewhat logical and scientific, are relevant to us in determining things quite artistic and soulful.  How we can fulfill the real longing of our hearts. How we continue to push the limits of our fears, and boldly meet our capabilities for living to our potential.

Size is the expanse of our dreams and visions for our lives: The boundaries we see or do not choose to accept.  

Depth is the infiniteness of our soul’s desires: A connection to something deeper than we can sometimes understand.

Sturdiness pertains to the strength of our resolution and integrity: The beliefs that sustain us in spite of everything. 

Adaptability is how willingly we are to follow our paths: To deal with uncharted territory.

Then, there's the last element that pulls the other four together...

An intended purpose: When we know without a doubt what we believe we were made to do. Then it’s not a matter of how, but rather how soon.  

How soon will you wait to step into this perfect fit?

This divine capacity...

Cheers.